Tongue In Check

The deed is done. I turned in my notice today. Over the last few days I have rehearsed every single possible scenario that could happen. They could get mad and tell me to leave. They could demand that I finish up all of my projects. They could shoot, stab, rape and kill me. I had it all covered. Yep, that’s me. Mr. Prepared.

Prepared for every possible scenario but one. The one that they would ask me what it would take to get me to stay. My exact words when they asked that question: “What the fuck are you talking about?” Oh, and the italics weren’t for emphasis. I was so frustrated that I actually spoke in italics.

Why would they want me to stay? I don’t get it.

Let’s review:

Is always late for meetings or doesn’t show up at all. Check.

Often smells like day old Gin. Check.

Has been known to be disruptive. Check.

Does not play the game. Check.

Comes in 2 or 3 hours late on Monday. Check.

Leaves 2 or 3 hours early on Friday. Check.

Refuses to attend any engineering seminars. Check.

Makes up experimental data. Check.

Refuses to keep patent notebook up to date. Check.

Refuses to write in ink in patent notebook. Check.

Does not take notes during meetings. Check.

If meeting lasts longer than scheduled time, he walks out right on time (even though he came in 15 minutes late). Check.

Surfs while at work. Check.

Calls fellow engineers ignorant and asks to see their green card. Check.

Argues with Arab supervisor simply because he doesn’t like the fact that said Arab is an Arab. Check.

Constantly ridicules George Bush in this largely over-Republican company. Check.

Will not call our former owners GE, but instead insists on calling them “Those Arrogant Cocksuckers. Check.

Tells engineering interns to stop asking stupid questions. Check.

Will not speak to anyone before he has had at least 2 cups of coffee. Check.

Calls hourly workes spoiled douche bags. Check.

Pees all over the bottle when taking drug tests and then smiles when he hands pee covered bottle to the nurse. Check.

Refuses to dress to corporate standards. Check.

Has been told that wearing Hawaiian shirts and stained jeans are not appropriate attire when presenting complicated technical data to customers. Check.

Will not stay at work later than 4:30. Check.

How could I possibly work for a company that has me as an employee? That’s a ridiculous notion. I have to at least listen to their offer, but damnit, there better be lesbian hookers wearing latex involved or I am not even going to think about it.

Shit. They downgraded Pluto.

That’s just fucking Goofy!

My mother speaks English as a second “langwidge.”

I got an email from my mom that read as follows:

Hey Mike, (she calls me Mike because she doesn’t know my real name.)

How do you spell Julisette. You know, like Romo and Julisette.

Now, if she hadn’t given me the Romo clue, I would have never known that she was actually talking about Romeo and Juliet.

I love my mother from another country.

Update: I should just leave this post alone before my Mom reads it and gets mad at me, but I just can’t pass up today’s lovely words. I got an email from Mom telling me about someone she knows that had a heart accack. Then she was telling me about a funeral she went to and the person had a lovely caket.

Well, I did my best yesterday to get George arrested for treason, but the Department of Justice just isn’t responding to my email. I did get two responses. The first was an “Out of Office” reply and the second was a form email telling me they would get back to me as soon as possible. I think I have a good case against the man, but obviously the DOJ is just not getting it for some reason.

Speaking of George, did anyone watch his news conference yesterday? It got really interesting for me when he went to the Q&A session at the end. He is typically very bad at responding to the questions from reporters, but yesterday he was worse than I have ever seen. He never completed a single sentence or had one coherent thought. Like I said, I admit that he is never very good at responding to those off the cuff kind of questions, but yesterday he was much worse. It was almost as if he had had a stroke or something. Although, honestly, most times it would be hard to tell.

This just in: John Mark Karr enjoyed his first night in jail. His cell mate calls him princess and they have already had a “conjugal visit”. Film at 11:00

Sorry about 2 posts in one day, but this is important.

If we were really smart, we could end the reign of George Bush today. We have been handed a golden opportunity by the moron himself. Don’t believe me? Check this out.

Today during his news conference, George Bush is offering Lebanon 230 million dollars in aid following the ass whipping they took from Israel. Lebanon stood idly by while Hezbollah fired rockets into Israel. Lebanon is clearly a state that “harbors terrorists.” Those were George’s actual words following the 9/11 attacks. He clearly said that we will go after terrorist states and states that harbor terrorists.

I don’t think that there could be any doubt whatsoever that Lebanon is a state that harbors terrorists when they have actually elected a few of them to their new “democratic” (insert laugh track here) government. In addition, the government and military of Lebanon does absolutely nothing about the overwhelmingly dominate presence of Hezbollah in Lebanon.

Therefore, Lebanon is a country that supports terrorism and by giving Lebanon 230 million in aid, the President is clearly aiding and supporting terrorism. If I am not mistaken, supporting terrorism in this day and age is treason. Therefore, the President should be impeached and tried for treason.

Dear Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN,

I would like to start this by saying that I think that all 3 of you are terminally goofy, and not in a loveable, laughable Disney dog kind of a way either. You are goofy in a pathetic Karl Childers (Slingblade) kind of semi-retarded way.

Your incessant coverage of John Mark Karr over the last few days has been ridiculous to the point of obsessive. I’m not saying that this isn’t an important story and if he is guilty of killing JonBenet Ramsey he needs to be brought to justice, but honest to crap, you guys are out of control.

For instance, yesterday you spent almost the entire day telling me what time John Mark Karr’s plane took off, what time it was supposed to land, where he was sitting on the plane, what he was wearing, what he had to eat, what he had to drink, and you even told me that he sang a Bee Gee’s song. WTF??

Don’t you think that there might be slightly more important things going on in the world?

I mean hell, Fox News, you guys have a reporter and a cameraman kidnapped over there in the hell we now refer to as the middle east. What’s wrong with you? I have only heard you mention that little fact once over the last few days. You did, however, inform me that John Mark Karr had actually visited a sex change clinic in Thailand, which I am not sure if I could have gone another second without knowing.

Am I missing something?

that I may never recover from.

I bet our Cowboy President was more influenced by Dale Evans than he was by Roy Rogers.

Hell, I bet George even rides side saddle.

Now tell me you won’t need the jaws of life to get that image out of your head.

Yeah, good luck with that one.