Tongue In Check

Our government has been going about things all wrong for far too long. World peace is really such a simple thing if we are willing to think outside the box. I have a plan for world peace that is deceptively simple and almost foolproof. It is so simple that even George Bush could carry it out without tripping over his own wee-wee.

Okay, so without further fanfare, here is my plan for world peace:

First, we contact Iran and tell them that we will let them continue their nuclear program and will even support them in their development of weapons of mass destruction IF they will take over the country of Iraq. Honestly, we should have done this a long time ago because hell, let’s face it, we can barely tell the difference between the two countries anyway. I mean they are almost spelled alike, so from a historical standpoint almost no one would notice if Iraq and Iran combine to form one country called Iranq.

After we settle the whole Iraq and Iran problem, we can turn our attention to North Korea. This fix is pretty simple too. We contact China and tell them that they can have Taiwan IF they will fix the whole North Korea situation for us. We have a little economic leverage over China (Wal-Mart), so we could use that to gently persuade them to give Kim Jong-il a spanking and bring North Korea back in line.

Once we get North Korea back to being the bleak lifeless hell-hole that it was destined to be, we can turn our attention to Venezuela and their whacky leader Hugo Chavez. This one is going to require a little finesse. First the CIA will have to infiltrate Chavez’s inner circle. Once the spooks are in place, they will be able to easily obtain videos of Hugo Chavez blowing goats. These pictures can then be uploaded to any one of the many on-line video sites that are taking over the internet. Once the Venezuelan people see these videos of their beloved leader going down on a goat, they will immediately elevate him from leader to folk hero and everybody knows that a folk hero can not be a leader. It’s against the Geneva Convention or the Magna Carta or something.

Okay, so now all is right with the world. Iranq is a peaceful country full of insurgents and terrorists blowing each other up and Jihading all over everything that moves. North Koreans are sitting around at night rubbing two sticks together to make a fire so they can cook a bug and Venezuelan people are busy worshiping their goat blowing former leader turned folk hero and wishing they had two sticks to rub together to make a fire so they didn’t have to eat their bugs raw.

This is when my plan takes an unexpected turn. It is unexpected, but absolutely necessary in order to stop global warming. Bringing about world peace and ending global warming is an example of multi-tasking on a really large scale.

When everyone least expects it, we launch a massive nuclear strike against Iranq, North Korea, and Venezuela and wipe each of these countries and all of the respective inhabitants from the face of the earth. The key thing here is that the strike needs to be massive enough to cause a nuclear winter which will result in lowering the earth’s temperature and that will ultimately end the current cycle of global warming.

Of course the world will be mad at us for doing this, but the President can go on TV and give a one word speech that will result in world-wide forgiveness and understanding. I have already written his speech. It reads as follows:

“Oops!”

I am hopelessly addicted to Spider Solitaire. It was one of those games that I never played until a few days ago. I decided to sit down and figure it out and I did. Now I can’t stop playing. I guess it just appeals to that part of my personality that loves to build things up and then tear them down and start all over again.

Do you really care that they are going to hang Saddam Hussein in a few days? Surprisingly, I do. You see, to me, he is a lot less evil now than he was before we started this stupid war that we are unable and unwilling to fight. I mean at least when he was in charge of that country and torturing and killing Iraqi’s, American soldiers weren’t dying for a cause that no one cares about except for George Bush and 12% of the US population. No, the best thing we could do is put Saddam back in power and get the hell out and wish the kind, gentle freedom loving people of Iraq good fucking luck. (There was some serious sarcasm in that last sentence. See if you can identify it.)

Another snowstorm is hitting Denver and of course, I am scheduled to fly through there next Tuesday. I wonder if I will fight as hard to get back to Salt Lake City as I did to get out of there. Probably not.

I am so disappointed in myself. After all of those months living in Utah, I have lost my ability to drink. I never used to get hangovers or feel bad after a few drinks. Now for every day I drink, I spend a day feeling like total crap. This is not a good thing since I have always joked with my mother about her side of the family and the three stages of death they all go through. They quit smoking, quit drinking, become religious and then they die. God, that’s scary. Not the dying part, but the other three scare me to death.

My Chihuahua is the most spoiled rotten dog in America. She will walk up to the couch and whine for someone to pick her up rather than just jump up on her own. She is perfectly capable of getting up there by herself; she just prefers that one of us (me) does the work for her. At least she is accommodating. She turns her body to make it easy for us (me) to pick her up. Spoiled rotten little bitch.

I can’t help but wonder about our values when cable news stations spend so much time covering the fight between Rosie The Fat Dyke O’Donnell and Donald I’ve Got A Dead Badger On My Head Trump. Does anyone really care what these two totally loathsome people think about each other? That’s funny. I called them people.

If you could spend New Year’s Eve with anyone of your choice, who would it be? I can’t decide between Pamela Anderson and Tony Blair. It’s a tough call.

Contrary to popular belief, there is very little evidence that former President Gerald R. Ford and former Godfather of Soul James Brown collaborated on national and international affairs during the mid 70’s.

There is however, some anecdotal evidence that James Brown was instrumental in convincing President Ford to pardon former President Nixon. That evidence is based on the following transcript found written on a bathroom wall in Washington DC:

President Ford: Should I pardon Nixon, Mr. Brown?

James Brown: Feel da funk Mr. President.

President Ford: I see.

The rest, as they say, is history.

I fully understand the need for them to cancel my flights out of here tomorrow. But what I don’t get is why the cocksuckers have refused to answer the fucking phones for the last 5 hours. I have been shopping around for another flight home and am pretty much fucked. Unless there is a miracle, I am going to end up spending Christmas in Utah.

So, Frontier Airlines, there have been a lot of cocksuckers mentioned on this blog, but you win the Cocksucker Of The Year Award.

Thank You and Merry Mother Fucking Christmas.

“Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules – and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. “

–Kurt Vonnegut

I am leaving here Thursday morning for the holidays and I don’t have to come back to Utah until after the first of the year. While I am dreading the flight home, I am looking so very forward to getting home to friends, family, gin, and a healthy dose of one spoiled rotten bitch of a chihuahua.

What more could a man ask for?

For weeks on end now I have been rambling on about Utah saying all kind of bad things about this lovely state and its oppressive Mormon religion . Well, apparently I have angered the Mormon Gods now and they are hell bent (or would that be heaven bent) on punishing me.

Well the Mormon Gods sent me a wake-up call last night and proved to me that there is something worse than being totally alone in Utah with nothing to do. Last night I was totally alone in Utah with nothing to do during a 3 hour power failure. People, without power I couldn’t even surf porn sites on the internet.

Did I mention that there was not a single candle or flashlight in this apartment anywhere? Did I mention that Wal*Mart, my next door neighbor, was out of power too? I sat here for 3 hours in total darkness with drink in hand watching the cars stream out of the Wal*Mart parking lot. Did I mention how difficult it is to pour a proper drink in total darkness? I think I might have erred on the side of Gin.

I suppose this post sounds insensitive to the millions in the Northwest that are without power following that huge storm, and for that I do apologize.

Man, they must have totally pissed off the Mormon Gods.

Liberal or Conservative?

It’s funny, but I have always had trouble with those words and their specific connotations, both good and bad. I guess the current state of the world has given me reason to do a little self-examination. I don’t exactly know how to classify myself because I don’t really fit either mold. I’m not really conservative and I am not really liberal. At different times I have probably seemed different things to different people, which I suspect has resulted in a lot of misunderstanding in my lifetime. Of course some of this misunderstanding may also be due to the fact that I have never felt the need to explain myself to anyone either.

Lately, though, I have been wondering to myself which side of the fence I belong on. As you can see by the following statements, it’s not easy to categorize myself:

I think marijuana should be legalized. It is stupid to spend this much time, effort, and energy busting people for smoking pot. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

For the most part, political correctness is the new opiate of the people.

I don’t care one way or the other about same sex marriage. Do it or don’t, I don’t care, just please stop jamming up my airwaves with all the discussion about it.

If you want to burn a flag, burn it. It should be your God-given right to express yourself in any way you see fit. Just don’t whine when some veteran smacks you in the mouth.

If you want to have an abortion, have one. Have two or three or four. I don’t care. Just don’t bring any more unwanted/unloved/uncared for kids into this world.

I own guns. I don’t shoot people with them, but I own all manners, shapes and sizes of them. Maybe I even own enough to equip a small army,and I won’t apologize for owning them. I don’t feel the need to tell you why I have them, except to say that I like them and I want them. I resent the hell out of the fact that I need to go to all sorts of trouble to own one of them when some mentally deficient pig porker can go to almost any street corner and buy one for half the price and none of the aggravation. There are well over 20,000 laws on the book addressing gun ownership and use. Enforce them with extreme prejudice.

I am struggling with the whole illegal immigration issue. I do know this: I resent the hell out of the way Hispanics are treated here in the morally superior state of Utah. Everything from an increase in baby raping to an upswing in drug use gets blamed on illegal immigration and the resulting growing Hispanic population. Aside from that, I am pretty sure that there is a reason they call it “illegal immigration.” There’s a process people, sign up for it.

I have no problem with English being our national language. A common language provides a common bond and allows for improved communication. Think Europe. Do we really want to be like them?

Our nation needs to devote way more resources to, and put way more emphasis on improving education. Education really is the key to “going forward.”

EQUAL opportunity for all, as long as it is based on ability.

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that evolution is real.

I am completely and utterly opposed to life sentences in prison for minors. I just can’t see punishing a 60 year old man or woman for a crime that was committed when he or she was 12 years old. There has to be a better way.

If we really want to end Arab sponsored terrorism, we must find an alternate energy source. As long as we keep buying and using oil, we are supporting states that support terrorism and that makes us all guilty.

Free Trade Agreements? Well, let’s see. If you are a Wall Street investor or own a manufacturing company, this is a wonderful idea. If you screw bumpers onto a Ford Taurus or make a wiring harness, Dude, you’re so fucked. There’s only one job in your future and you need to practice the phrase “Would you like fries with that?”

I think that if you decide to go to war with another country, you should do absofuckinglutely everything in your power to win that war. You should do everything you can to minimize casualties on our side and maximize casualties on their side. You should be required by law to prosecute a war with extreme prejudice and with only one goal in mind: to beat the enemy into complete and total submission. Otherwise, you just wasted a bunch of American lives for nothing. Think Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq. If you are not able or willing to carry out a war with that objective in mind, then you should sit on the porch with the little dogs and keep your mouth shut.(Are you listening George?) There’s not a whole lot going on in this world these days that is worth the life of one single American soldier.

Church and state MUST be totally and completely separate entities.

Historically speaking, the sun doesn’t shine up the same nation’s ass forever. America is no exception to that rule. It’s not whether or not you fall from grace; it’s how gracefully you do it that determines your place in history.

George Bush is the worst President ever.

I am completely opposed to censorship in any form.

I am firmly and completely in favor of this nation adopting a more isolationist policy.

We need to normalize relations with Cuba immediately.

I am not at all opposed to state sponsored assassinations of certain foreign leaders, especially when the alternative is a long and protracted war that we don’t have the stomach to fight.

I suppose Bob Dylan said it best:

Now, I’m liberal, but to a degree
I want everybody to be free
But if you think that I’ll let Barry Goldwater
Move in next door and marry my daughter
you must be crazy!
I wouldn’t let him do it for all the farms in Cuba.

Yeah, those words are kind of dated, but I think they sum it up pretty good.

…I’d double up on that tin foil helmet today.

Here’s why.

Update: My wife called me from Michigan tonight and told me she could clearly see the northern lights from our back yard. Obviously, seeing them that far south is the direct result of the recent solar storm.

I was hoping to be able to see them myself, so I put on my tin foil helmet and went out on my balcony which faces north. Unfortunately, all I could see was the light at the northern end of the Wal*Mart parking lot.

I guess that is Wal*Mart’s version of the aurora borealis.

In the aftermath of the Princess Diana death investigation and report, it has come to light that some branch of our beloved government was listening in on her private phone calls.

Hmmm….interesting.

Now try as I might, I cannot come up with a single good reason for our government to do that. I mean if I were a criminal or something I might think that I could blackmail the British Royalty somehow, but what could a government do with that information?

The only thing I can say is that it is too bad that Princess Di wasn’t planning on flying planes into the World Trade Center, because if she had been, we would have likely known about her plans in advance. Not that we would have done anything about it even if we had known in advance, because after all, we wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

Silly. Little. Spies.