Sitemeter, I Am Giving You One Week March 31, 2007
Posted by mike in rants.7 comments
to see the error of your ways or I am dumping your ass!
I have had nothing but trouble out of my Sitemeter for the last 3 months and have actually had to delete it and get a new account 3 different times to get rid of the problem.
And now, I find this. My Sitemeter has slowed down to the point of being useless and my stats are usually delayed for several hours at a time. Also, I can’t prove that Sitemeter is behind the explosion of junk mail that I have been receiving in my gmail account, but I can say that it is the account that I use for Sitemeter and for this blog so it seems a bit suspicious to me.
I have had my issues with Spyware in the past and I have to tell you it is dangerous and will completely destroy your computer if it is not dealt with.
Oh, and to make matters worse, when I email the sell outs at Sitemeter.com to tell them of my problems, the don’t even respond. I would dump them immediately if I didn’t find the assholes at Sitemeter so damned useful. I like StatCounter, but it just doesn’t have the same layout that I am used to. I guess I will just have to get used to it though.
In the meantime, keep your eyes open for problems with Sitemeter.
Jesus Packing My Bong March 30, 2007
Posted by mike in religion.16 comments
I know most of you won’t believe this, but sometimes when things in this world start to get me down, I turn to the scriptures.
Yep, it’s true. Would I lie to you?
I also love some of those really old time hymns and find myself walking through my apartment singing them at the top of my lungs. In fact, here is one of my favorites that I think really sums up my spirituality.
Edited to add: Angryman & Sara Sue have instituted a new rule for my blog and have informed me via the comments that all of my links need to lead to naked hotties. I am happy to oblige.
For Jackie & Andrew March 30, 2007
Posted by mike in dogs and cats.19 comments
Today my daughter sent me this picture. The gray cat is hers and it is named Izzy. The Siamese cat belongs to her boyfriend Andrew and we call him Fur (the cat, not Andrew). His real name is Gus (the cat, not Andrew).
It was an amazing coincidence that they sent me this picture today because as fate would have it, today is Put Your Izzy In The Microwave Day. Tomorrow, also amazingly enough, is Put Your Fur In The Microwave Day.
Actually, it is put your cat in the microwave week. I wouldn’t want you to think that these two cats have special holidays. So go, grab your cat and toss it in the microwave.
Things I have never had:
A threesome with Chinese midgets.
A million dollars.
A Lamborghini.
A custom made suit.
Sex in a church.
A brain.
A desire to watch Survivor.
The mumps.
A desire to make out with a penguin.
A live chicken.
A pair of pants made out of baloney.
And up until today, I would have included kidney stones on that list. Unfortunately, that is no longer possible.
I only have 4 words to say about kidney stones.
Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Note to my wife: See what happens when I stop drinking? Everything goes hopelessly wrong. I hope everybody is satisfied now. The doctor gave me pain pills, which I have every intention of getting hopelessly addicted to.
Actual Conversation March 29, 2007
Posted by mike in religion.10 comments
Today while at work a few of the other engineers I work with were discussing some DVD’s they had watched recently. One of the movies had an R rating and this prompted a discussion involving R rated movies. One young engineer said that watching R rated movies was no big deal at his house because their DVD player had THE FILTER.
“THE FILTER?” I asked.
“Yes, THE FILTER allows you to watch R rated DVD’s and filter out whatever you want to. You can take out the nudity, the swear words, or the violence,” he explained.
“Oh, so with this thing can I make a G rated movie into an R rated movie?” I asked.
“Well no, it doesn’t work that way,” he answered as if that question even deserved an answer.
“So you could actually rent a porno and watch it this way?” I asked.
“I suppose you could, but why would you want to?”
“Well then if you and your wife rent a movie and there is an explicit love scene in it between two consenting adults, you would filter that out?” I asked.
“Yeah, probably. I mean what if the kids came in or something?”
“What about a war movie? Would you filter out the battle scenes?” I asked.
“Are you kidding? No man, that’s what I love about war movies. The violence and stuff. Man, that’s great stuff.”
“So let me see if I understand this. It’s okay for your kids to watch people killing each other, but you don’t want them to see a tit or two people screwing or anything like that?” I asked.
He then proceeded to tell me the view of “THE CHURCH” on such matters.
Wow, Lenny Bruce was right. We can be pretty fucked up sometimes.
What’s In A Name? March 27, 2007
Posted by mike in government.23 comments
A recent study suggests that Hillary Clinton might have an advantage in the upcoming election because of name recognition.
Well of course she has a huge advantage. Everybody recognizes a bitch when they see one.
Bits & Pieces That All Add Up To Nothing March 26, 2007
Posted by mike in randomness, wtf.17 comments
I am having the worst bad hair day possible. I have had them before, but nothing like this.
Why don’t they make bread in smaller loaves? Bread is a huge problem for me because I don’t eat much of it. I end up throwing half a loaf away almost every week because it gets moldy.
I really like Keith Olbermann a lot, but he is starting to remind me of the Bill O’Reilly of the far left. Both sides of that pendulum of stupidity suck.
Why do I feel like I am surrounded by people with relationship problems? Excuse me while I do the superiority dance, but my relationship with my wife is pretty good. Yep, I live on one side of the country and she lives on the other. Our problems have nothing to do with ambiguity, jealousy, stupidity, or infidelity. Our problems can be summed up in one word. Geography. I only need a road map and a good bankruptcy lawyer to solve our problems.
Is it normal for people who have spent most of their lives living in the midwest to start to feel claustrophobic when they live in the more mountainous regions?
I not only don’t care how Anna Nicole Smith died, I don’t even care that she is dead. Now that I have said that, I feel so much better.
I got a call last night from some friends that I used to hang out with when I lived in Ohio. While I was sitting here contemplating jumping off the balcony just to have something to to do, they were sitting in a bar having a typical Sunday night. I got up this morning and the first thing I heard was this song. Somehow, it’s all connected.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I have had 2 drinks in 11 days. That may be a personal record. Sobriety, as it turns out, is not good for me at all.
Human Geology March 25, 2007
Posted by mike in serious shit.11 comments
Human Geology is the study of the forces and events, natural or otherwise, that mold and shape a person over time.
This picture was taken in 1941. It is of the main street in Keystone WV where I grew up. Even though the picture was taken quite a few years before I was ever there, it pretty much looked this way when I left there in 1969.
Caution: Sad story ahead.
It was a beautiful day here in Utah yesterday. The sun was shining brightly and the air was still and warm. Since my world has become somewhat limited these days, I only enjoyed the day from the perspective of my balcony overlooking the Wal*Mart parking lot. I suppose some might argue that in the grand scheme of things, observing the world from my balcony might be somewhat better than observing the day from a bar stool. In all honesty though, you couldn’t prove that by me but that is a whole other story.
The Wal*Mart parking lot was teeming with activity. It was full of cars going in all directions (despite the arrows directing them in and out of the lot), families with carts full of groceries and cheap goods made in China, and kids. God, there were kids everywhere.
One thing that bugs the hell out of me is when parents just let their kids roam free. Free range kids are almost always a disaster in the making. Maybe it is just me, but parents out here seem to be far more prone to letting their kids walk through parking lots or malls or stores or across busy streets without being held on to by someone. Even though my kids are all grown, I would still be holding their hands when they walked through a parking lot or across the street if they would let me.
At one point yesterday after I had just come in from the balcony when I heard tires screeching and a woman yelling. Apparently one of her many free range children had broken loose from the pack and was heading across the main exit from the parking lot. Fortunately for everyone involved, the driver of the car was able to stop in time and the only injury was to the child’s self-esteem when she was severely scolded by her mother. Personally, I thought someone should have scolded the mother, but this is Utah and the mother wasn’t much more than a child herself.
Watching that whole incident brought back a memory of something that happened when I was about 13 years old and I realized that that single event was a large part of my own personal human geology.
I was in my parent’s bedroom on the second floor of our house in Keystone, WV. I was leaning out of a window and watching the three neighbor kids as they walked along the main road in front of our house. There were 2 girls, whose names I can’t remember, and their 3 year old brother whose name I will never forget. Kelly was walking along the curb with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot on the road in that hopping style that young kids often do. His sisters were busy talking to each other and not paying much attention to Kelly. After they had passed by the window, I stepped back into the room and started walking down the hallway.
I’ll spare you all of the horrible details of this story, but the bottom line is that Kelly was hit by a passing car and killed instantly. His small body was thrown up against the wrought iron fence that ran across our front yard and the sound of his small body hitting that fence still wakes me up out of a sound sleep some nights. It was one of those life-changing moments that I will never forget. It also makes it hard for me to resist the urge to hold the hand of any one of my grown kids as they walk across a busy parking lot or cross a busy street.
The History Of Utah March 24, 2007
Posted by mike in utah.14 comments
It’s really hard to decipher the history of Utah since so much of it is buried under heaps and heaps of Mormon bullshit, but through extensive research, I have unearthed the true history of this state.
The first man to enter the area that is now known as Utah was Francisco Vasquez de Coronado. Historians believed he came to the region sometime around 1540 and left shortly thereafter. Seems Francisco Vasquez de Coronado might have been some kind of fur trapper because he said the area lacked any beaver and those that were here were completely untouchable. Interestingly enough, Utah beavers are still kind of stand-offish and prefer to remain with their own kind.
Sometime in the 1700’s a couple of Catholic priests came into the area that is now known as Provo. They were hoping to find a route to California, but after encountering the native population of Provo, they decided that you couldn’t get to California from there and they moved on to greener pastures. It is widely reported that these two priests headed south and settled the area that is now known as Las Vegas where they launched the gambling industry when they invented bingo. Both priests were later killed by the natives when they were caught playing with one little Indian’s little Indian.
After being run out of nearly every state in the union, the Mormons arrived in the area that is now known as Salt Lake City Utah. Upon their arrival, they killed all the Native Americans and then proceeded to wipe smile off everyone’s face by shutting down all the bars and whore houses and putting up a temple on every street corner. Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormons, started wearing women’s bloomers, which he later called temple garments to avoid ridicule. Interestingly enough, he convinced all of the other members of the church to start wearing women’s underwear. Apparently this guy was like the Jim Jones of the Mormon Church.
A few years later when some white1 people accidentally stumbled into Utah, they were ruthlessly massacred by the Mormons. The women and children were shot point-blank right in the brain pan and the men were brutally raped and forced to join the church and wear women’s underwear. This was known as the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Years later when Brigham Young was asked about this, he claimed that he had a vision in his sleep that these settlers may have masturbated at one time or another in their life, so they deserved to die. When reminded that some of these settlers were children, he dryly answered by saying “well, they might grow up to be masturbators.” Only one Mormon was ever convicted in the brutal slaying of these innocent settlers. A statue honoring him now stands high atop Mt. Timpanogos and is visited during the yearly pilgrimage to honor the killer of so many masturbators and potential masturbators.
The Mormons continued to grow and prosper spreading their religion throughout Utah like a cancer. Brigham encouraged the men of the church to take multiple wives so that they wouldn’t get the urge to masturbate. All in all, it was a good plan with many fringe benefits. Soon the men discovered that they could marry within their own families to produce a race of Super Mormons. This new race of Super Mormon goes on religious “missions” designed to ruin your Saturday morning and spread the word of Joseph Smith like manure on a newly plowed field.
Over the years, the Mormon religion has changed as necessary to save its ass from being assigned cult status and thereby being heavily taxed. It is still a largely misunderstood religion with most people not fully understanding the secret handshake, the complexities of the temple garments, or the beauty of plural marriages. Over the years, the non-Mormon population of Utah has been steadily increasing and current estimates show that by the year 2030, the Mormons will be the minority in Utah and masturbation will be on the rise.
Despite the fact that the beavers in Utah still tend to stick to their own kind, priests are still run out of town on a rail, and the Mormons have totally ruined the state, Utah is a beautiful place with a lot of potential. Some day soon I hope white men2 will again venture into this beautiful state and hopefully, they won’t get raped or killed next time.
Disclaimer: No actual Mormons were injured during the making of this post. The author is not responsible for Joseph Smith or Brigham Young spinning in their respective graves.
- and by white men, I don’t really mean white men.
- ibid.
After 3 Days In Moab March 23, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.14 comments
…..I have come to one conclusion:
I have to go back without the Mormons because Moab is like another little oasis of “normalcy” in Utah. The place was full of bars, rock climbing hippies living out in the desert, some kind of beautiful mixture of Native American and Hispanic people and culture, and some of the most strange and beautiful scenery I have ever seen.
I have a ton of pictures which I will have to post over the next few days because if I try to post more than one at a time blogger has an epileptic seizure.
After the “conference,” we spent two days out in the desert driving around in impossibly tricked out Jeep Rubicons climbing over rocks, running over trees, killing small creatures, and just generally tearing up the environment. I have to tell you, the thrill of riding around in these environmental rape machines is second only to a hefty injection of morphine. Well that’s not entirely true. Thai hookers are a better than driving around in the desert in Jeeps, but only just a teeny bit.
Thank you Charlie Steen. You are my hero!
Just A Note Before I Go….. March 19, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.12 comments
I had a revelation yesterday morning that I need to share with you before I go do battle with the devil in desert.
Last year I was in Columbus during St. Patrick’s day. As I said in a comment on another blog, I was knee deep in breasts and beer that day. Oh what a glorious day it was.
This year I did not even see a “green beer” (not that I would drink it anyway). I did, however, eat some cupcakes that had green icing and that was the extent of my St. Patrick’s day celebration. Yeah, I know. I’m pathetic.
Now I am not sure how many of you know this, but green icing is made with green food coloring and your body does not process food coloring very well. As a result, when I peed on Sunday morning, it was as green as green could possibly be. One can never be adequately prepared for green pee.
Once I determined that I had cancer of the kidneys, I decided to consult an on-line medical source just to verify my diagnosis.
Imagine my delight when I determined I did not have cancer of the kidneys. When God invented the word hypochondriac, he hadn’t counted on me.
