Hello, It’s Me…..Carmen April 29, 2007
Posted by mike in carmen.12 comments
My Rightful Owner doesn’t know that I figured out the password to his blog. When he got this new blog he changed the password so that I couldn’t get in. He’s not so smart. It was easy to figure out.
So much has happened since the last time I posted. Where do I begin?
There’s Coyote poop in my yard!!! I’m so fucking pissed off I could hump a duck. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and I could hear them howling and yelping outside my window. I want to hump a coyote.
Rightful Owner has been working in the yard all morning. Apparently yard work requires the use of a lot of bad words because rightful owner has been using a lot of them today. I think “Fuck me all to hell” may be his favorite bad word.
Speaking of fuck me all to hell, I am going to kill all the Chinese people in the world. They are putting poison in dog food and because of that, I haven’t been able to have my favorite food in months. Fucking stupid Chinese. Don’t they have anything better to do with their time?
Tomorrow Rightful Owner goes back to Utah. Apparently Utah is an Indian (feather not dot) word meaning Land Of No Chihuahuas because he will leave me here again when he goes. That’s okay, I hear Mormons eat dogs as part of their sacred church rituals. Fucking stupid Mormons.
I know the reason Rightful Owner is working so hard today. He is going to the bar this afternoon. He always does this on days when he wants to go to the bar. He rushes around trying to get all of his work done so that he can go sit in that smelly bar all afternoon. Then he comes home and falls asleep on the couch. Fucking stupid Rightful Owner. Yes, that’s right. When rightful owner gets drunk, he turns into a famous dead African American.
Cats are fags. That top cat looks like a cat The Girl used to have. Not only was that cat a fag, but it was crazy as a fucking bat too.
Okay, I have to go pee on something now and then sniff someone’s butt. It’s my job you know. Now that I have stolen rightful owner’s password, I will try to post from time to time. Of course once he takes the laptop back to Utah, all I’ll have is dial-up and that’s a huge pain in my ass. Fuck it. Maybe I won’t post. Maybe I’ll just kill something from the inside out.
Whoa!!!!!! Check out these Chihuahuas.
Just A Bunch Of Words April 28, 2007
Posted by mike in gin/health/sanity.18 comments
English is the second most spoken language in the world. There are estimated to be 993,412 words in the English language and something like 1,350,000,000 people speak the language world-wide. The average American has 14,000 words in his vocabulary. Compare that to someone like William Shakespeare, who it is said, had something like 24,000 words in his vocabulary. I wonder if that includes the 1700 words it is said he “invented.” If you invent a word, can you get a patent on it and demand royalties from everyone that uses the word? Something for the legal minds to consider.
Last night a friend of mine walked into the bar. His girlfriend was sitting at a table “cavorting” with some other guy. With all the words in the English language at her disposal, she didn’t even aim one of them at my friend. Not even a “hello” or “good-bye.” He was devastated. I think that might have been the single “coldest” thing I might have ever witnessed. Talk about uncomfortable.
My wife is getting irritated with me for spending too much time on the couch hovering over my computer. She just came in the house and tried to get me motivated to go out and do some yard work. Blech!! I think my wife may have too many words in her vocabulary.
Carmen has been barking at every single thing that moves this morning. Barking at the old lady next door for walking around her yard. Barking at the people and cars going by in front of our house. Barking at the TV. Barking at my wife. Barking at the cat. Carmen only has one word in her vocabulary, but she uses it over and over again.
My sister called me this morning and kept me on the phone for 15 minutes talking about absolutely nothing. She has too many words in her vocabulary. She should only have 2. Hello and goodbye.
I have been watching Cable News all morning long. Those talking heads probably have a lot of words in their vocabulary, but they just repeat themselves so much that it is hard to distinguish their words from Carmen’s words.
A coffee shop in England recently refused to serve a man a cup of black coffee. Turns out that the shop owners determined that ordering coffee black was a racist thing to do. Now, at that particular coffee shop, you have to order your coffee “without milk” as opposed to ordering it “black. ” I think those people need to get a better understanding of the words that are at their disposal.
Some companies are using the phrase “thought shower” instead of “brainstorming” because the phrase “brainstorming” may be offensive to people with certain brain disorders such as epilepsy. That kind of thinking gives me seizures.
I have been home for six days now and haven’t had a single panic attack. I hope I can eliminate that word from my vocabulary soon.
The number 7 (out of 10) “Bushism” for 2006 was:
“When the final history is written on Iraq, it will look just like a comma.”
The number 1 Mikeism for April 28, 2007 is:
Fuck. I have to go do some yard work.
Do I Really Have To Title This Post? April 27, 2007
Posted by mike in randomness, rants, religion.21 comments
It’s always great to be back home again, but one thing that always gets to me is the economy in Michigan. So many of my friends are out of work and have no prospects on the horizon.
Michigan has always been a manufacturing state. We build cars, furniture, toys, hot air balloons, widgets, gizmos, diamond drilling products, and whatchamacallits. With every economic downturn we have had over the years, the state has made a real effort to change its focus to high tech industries. But as soon as the economy turns around, we abandon our quest for new businesses and go back to relying on the auto industry.
It’s been a long haul, but with the recent news that Toyota has beat out GM for the number one automaker, I think the realization is finally starting to sink in. It’s over. It’s done. As Bruce Springsteen said, “those jobs ain’t coming back.”
I was talking to a friend of mine the other night in the bar. He is taking a “buy-out” from Ford after working there for 30 years. Don’t feel sorry for him. He will be getting almost $3000.00 a month and is still young enough to get another job. He was talking about how people buying those “foreign cars” have ruined the auto industry. I resisted the urge to say anything to him, but the fact is, people are buying those cars because they are more in tune with what the American public wants and needs than any cars that American auto makers are offering. American auto makers are focused on the bottom line and would be just as happy making fewer vehicles with higher profit margins–like trucks and SUV’s. It’s a good short-term plan, but there will be no longevity.
The auto companies have been throwing around the “Buy American” campaign for years. Every time I hear it, I get sick to my stomach because I remember back in the late 70’s when I was working for US Steel (the best job I ever had in my life) there was a similar campaign the auto companies started. It was interesting because they started that buy American campaign right about the time they started using Japanese steel to make their cars. That was when I lost my job.
Now American made cars are only assembled in America because most, if not all of the components, come from third world sweat shops where the workers are paid 2 chickens a month (and the government steals one back at the end of the month). Notice how that hasn’t made the cars any cheaper. Personally, I have never believed in buying American simply for the sake of buying American. I mean if I have to buy American, then the auto companies should have to do it too. Now as it turns out, I have an American assembled truck, but that is not why I bought it. I bought it because it is pretty. What other reason does one need?
In other news, when I am not at home, I live in Utah county Utah. It is probably one of the most conservative areas in the whole country. Mormonism rules absolute in Utah county. Most businesses are closed on Sunday. There are maybe a dozen bars in the whole county and almost everyone is a Mormon cult member. I have high hopes that someday Jim Jones will be resurrected and take over the Mormon Church and tell everyone to drink the Kool-Aid, but until then all I can do is bide my time.
Until that day, things like this are a daily occurrence in Utah County.
Just drink the Kool-Aid. Drink it down. There’s a better life waiting for you. Just drink the Kool-Aid…..
Update: I feel somewhat compelled to mention that my hometown has many lovely tourist attractions. If you are ever in the area of Manchester, Michigan, please feel free to stop by and visit us. Well, don’t feel free to stop by and see me because I probably won’t let you in my house. I know what you guys read and I don’t think I could trust you not to try to steal all of my stuff, but if you are in town, check out these tourist attractions. After seeing these just tell me you aren’t moved to go jump in your car right now and drive to Michigan to spend your money.
Tourist attraction #2.
Tourist attraction #3.
Oh yeah, and I almost forgot tourist attraction #8, which is why I moved here.
Adjustments April 26, 2007
Posted by mike in dogs and cats, home.19 comments
As one who spends most of his time sleeping alone, I must admit that I always go through an adjustment period for a few days when I come home.
My wife and I have a queen sized bed. We would like to have a larger one, but our bedroom really won’t accommodate a larger bed. Besides, where would we put the trapeze, sex swing, seeing eye dog, midget pony, and bed pan if we had a larger bed.
Anyway, I digress. Due to her advanced age, my wife suffers from hot flashes. As a result, she tends to keep the house so cold that icebergs spontaneously form throughout the house. If the Titanic were to sail through my house, it wouldn’t make it past the living room. When we are sleeping and she has a hot flash, my wife will throw the bed covers off the bed. Obviously, this is a problem for me because when the house is as cold as it is, I start freezing before the covers even hit the floor and immediately scurry across the room in the freezing cold to retrieve the tossed off covers. Usually after her hot flash is over with, she gets cold and then pulls the blankets off of me so that she can get warm. We spend the next few hours wrestling the covers away from each other until she has her next hot flash. Then the cycle starts all over again.
The other adjustment for me involves a small, furry bundle of joy known as Carmen Miranda. No, it’s not that Carmen Miranda. It’s this Carmen Miranda. She insists on sleeping with me at night. Well, it’s not that she insists, it’s kind of a mutual insistence. Anyway, she spends the night glued to my belly by pushing her little six pound body up against me with every fiber of her being. Every now and then she will wake up and crawl out from under the covers to lick my face just to make sure I am still there. While she’s up, she will usually survey the room to make sure there is not a cat that needs to chase off the bed or to make certain my wife isn’t too close to me. If she is, Carmen will crawl between us and growl until my wife moves over.
Man, it’s great to be home. Someday soon, I am going to have to make it a point to get back here to stay. Probably going to need a prescription for sleeping pills though.
The Boy April 25, 2007
Posted by mike in tribute.19 comments
As I think I might have mentioned on here before, we refer to my son as The Boy. We refer to him more often as The Boy than we do by his given name, which is James. You can call him James, but he gets pissed when someone calls him Jim, or God-forbid, Jimmy.
I had originally wanted to name him after my Dad and my Grandfather, but as it turns out, that would have made him Jessie James and my wife was opposed to that name. My second choice was to name him after my favorite writer which would have made his name James Harrison. Interestingly enough, his middle name would have been the same as my wife’s Dad’s middle name. My wife nixed that one too. We settled on James Michael, which gave him some connection to me other than genetics.
Yesterday I went to one of his track meets and since I don’t often get to see him run, I was looking forward to it. I will have to say that he is one fast little fucker. Amazingly fast. I watched him run two races (the 800 meter and the 1600 meter) with almost no effort whatsoever. He was barely even winded when the race was over. In the last race he was behind another kid for most of the race and then at the last minute, he shot past that other kid with ease, grace and style. It was a pleasure to behold. I was standing there with another friend of mine and his wife and my friend commented. “that boy sure is fast, but he’s not going to be able to smoke worth a fuck when he grows up.”
Last week he went to another track event in Ohio. At that event, he broke the school record for one event (sadly, I don’t recall which) by a full 18 seconds. That record had stood for almost 30 years.
I am not sure if this link will work, but check it out. The Boy’s the one in the lead.
He’s an amazing little character. He eats right, runs every day and lifts weights. For all of his manly efforts, I still find it funny that he screams like a little girl when he sees a spider. I guess he’s more like me than anyone is willing to admit.
Technology Sucks April 24, 2007
Posted by mike in technology.21 comments
I don’t necessarily consider myself to be one of those technology inept people, but I have to admit that certain technological breakthroughs may be passing me by.
I am in the process of getting a new cell phone and I have to tell you, I am thoroughly intimidated by the whole mess. I have a cell phone for work that is complicated beyond belief and I swear that the buttons change constantly. For instance, the button that I was absolutely certain was the one you pressed to answer the phone activates the camera. Because of that, I miss almost every call I get on that phone and I have a lot of pictures of my legs.
I am trying really hard to find a simple cell phone for my personal use, but man it is difficult.
Another problem is my television remote control. It is practically impossible to use. I mean honestly all I need is a button for channel up or down and button for volume up or down, but my remote has so many buttons that I have seizures every time I look at it.
I think there needs to be a moratorium on button usage on cell phones, remote controls, or any other piece of hand held equipment. I mean just because you can put a lot of buttons on a hand-held device doesn’t mean that you need to put them there.
On a completely unrelated note, I watched the movie Borat last night. Ummmm….I don’t get it. I mean I laughed a couple of times, but for the most part, I didn’t see it as being all that funny. I guess that’s just not my type of humor.
I do find this funny though.
Still Crazy After All These Beers April 23, 2007
Posted by mike in gin/health/sanity.15 comments
Okay…now I’ve done it. I have opened up a whole new can of worms and now that the lid is off, I may never be the same.
First of all, the Dr. agreed with my diagnosis of anxiety or panic attacks. When I told him my whole history with only a minor amount of lying to protect the guilty (me), he added another perspective which involved the fact that I had suddenly eliminated alcohol from my diet after years of (ab)use without the aid of some sort of help. I believe his exact words were….”not too smart.”
He wanted to put me on some type of “happy drug,” but I refused. Instead I convinced him to give me something that I could take when I have a panic attack. He prescribed Ativan. Then we discussed my inability to stop smoking despite numerous attempts which have all resulted in an overall increase in my nicotine intake. This gave him an opportunity to prescribe a mild happy drug called Wellbutrin, which interestingly enough, helps people stop smoking by shutting off the part of your brain that says “hey, let’s smoke”.
Naturally, with Dr.’s, their work is never done. My blood pressure was high again (still) and as a result, he wants me back in 3 months to do a whole “work up thing,” including cholesterol and liver enzyme (naturally). I laughed out loud when he suggested a colonoscopy. HAHAHAHA….colonoscopy.
My sweet wife dropped me off at the drug store to get the prescription filled. Since my drinking days are now officially numbered even more so than they have ever been, I waited next door at the bar while they filled my prescription. I had a couple of Gins, which just didn’t taste right and then walked home. Now it is not all that far to walk home, but I haven’t walked 1.6 miles in a long time. It felt exhilarating. Liberating. Stupid. Seriously, why do people walk? Is there anything to do while you are walking? I mean you can’t read, blog, smoke (defeats the purpose), masturbate (that whole indecent exposure thing), or drink while you walk, so what in the world is the point?
All in all, it went okay and I am still upright and breathing and Carmen’s still at my feet begging for food. I guess I’ve had worse days.
All In All….. April 22, 2007
Posted by mike in dogs and cats, gin/health/sanity.22 comments
stolen wireless internet is everything I remember it being.
I took my chances and brought my laptop back home to Michigan with me this time. Last time I came home I didn’t bring the laptop and tried to use the desktop computer with dial up, but I might as well have been rubbing two sticks together to try to get an internet connection. I still have no idea whose wireless I am stealing out here in the sticks of Michigan. Someday I need to thank one of my neighbors.
I left Salt Lake City at 8:30 this morning and despite the fact that I have almost stopped drinking, I did order a drink on the flight. I wish you could have seen the flight attendants face when I ordered a Gin & Tonic at 9:00 in the morning. I figured that since my heart was still in Michigan and it was 11:00 in Michigan which was pretty close to noon, then it was okay to have a drink. The guy next to me buried his face in his Mormon bible and read silently to himself. For the record, his lips moved while he was reading.
The difference this time over previous times is that I had 1 drink instead of 5 or 6 plus several more at the airport bar. 1 drink and I felt like a new man. Then I ordered a water which I am sure fish had just finished fucking in.
It’s lawnmowing season here in Michigan and my lawnmower is protesting my long absence by refusing to start. My thoughtful wife bought me a brand new battery for the lawnmower. She really wants to ask me when I am going to put the new battery in and start mowing but every time she looks at me with those big green questioning eyes, I tell her that I feel a panic attack coming on and she backs right off.
Speaking of panic attacks, I think I have found the cure. There’s a picture of her up there. Look into those eyes and tell me you feel a panic attack coming on. No? I thought not.
Okay, so tomorrow is the Dr.’s appointment. Hopefully he will just give me some pills for my panic attacks (or tell me to start drinking again) and maybe some other pills for my scarily high blood pressure and send me on my way. Somehow I doubt it though. I am almost never that lucky.
Did I ever tell you that I made a Dr. turn white once while he was taking my blood pressure? Yeah, he called the nurse to come in and double check his work and then she turned white. I explained that I have “white coat syndrome” and that Dr.’s and most of their accompanying nurses scare the crap out of me. They took my blood pressure every few hours over several days (I was in the hospital) and watched it drop down to “almost” normal.
Okay, well now that my wife has caught me “blogging” (as opposed to what she normally “catches” me doing), I guess the jig is up and I am going to have to go put that battery in the mower. My son’s taking the car tonight so that means I have nothing to drive. Maybe I’ll just drive the mower into town and see what’s going on.
Maybe I can Section 8 my way out of Utah.
Friday Musings April 21, 2007
Posted by mike in gin/health/sanity, randomness.20 comments
Yesterday Senator Harry Reid said that the war in Iraq was lost and his claim made me very nostalgic for a time gone by. You may remember. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, it’s a nice gesture.
Should Alec Baldwin be fired from his failing NBC show “30 Rock” for calling his 12 year old daughter a pig? To me that statement is at least equal to, if not worse, than calling someone a nappy headed ho. Besides, Alec Baldwin meets all the criteria for being a jackass. I mean any guy that has Kim Basinger and then loses her should be forced to eat out of garbage cans for the rest of his life.
Paul Wolfowitz, like Donald Rumsfeld, was one of the chief architects of the Vietnam war. When you take that into consideration, is it any wonder the war in Iraq is going so fucked upedly? HAHAHA….I just made that word up. I think I am going to register a domain name using that word. Fuckedupedly.com.
You can’t yell fire in a crowded theater and you can’t do this either.
Doctors scare me to death. I live in fear of them. I am not even comfortable being around one in a social setting, so you can forget about being locked in a room with one while he pokes and prods my body looking for abnormalities (which really shouldn’t be that hard to find). However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am being forced to visit a stupid Dr. The only control I had in the matter was to decide where to see one. I chose Michigan. Less Mormonism and more voodooism, that’s my motto. As a result of this forced decision, I’ll be flying out of here Sunday morning. Normally this would be the place where I would insert a big woohoo in all caps and possibly in bold letters, but considering that I have to see a stupid Dr. Monday afternoon, I’m only going to insert a woohoo in all small letters.
Let this be a lesson to you kiddies. I have been a “heavy” drinker since I was 38. I am 4 months away from being 53 now. If you have been a “heavy” drinker for 15 years, don’t stop. Just keep drinking. Perhaps you should even increase your intake. Stopping just plain fucking sucks. If I live through this, I am going to have drink. Probably a bunch of them.
Chinglish April 19, 2007
Posted by mike in bugs fucking.19 comments
Many years ago when I was traveling around China I was amazed at how the Chinese routinely butchered English. (Just as I am sure they were amazed at how badly I butchered their language every time I made a drunken attempt to speak it). I mean I know they have a beautiful language that they probably speak eloquently (even though it sounds like bugs fucking to me) so I tried really hard not to laugh at the sign in my hotel room that read:
“Please Do Not Forget To Take Your Thing.”
Of course I understood that what they really meant was that I should remember to take my personal belongings. Still, some nights while sitting in my hotel room listening to the rats scurry about in the walls and watching TV with the sound turned off because all the words sounded like bugs fucking, I would look up at the sign and giggle to myself.
Now with the Summer Olympics coming up in Beijing next year there has been a move on the part of the Chinese Government to clear up some of the possible misunderstandings that might arise from these poorly written signs. I mean I suppose that is the right thing to do, but honestly I just love the way these signs are worded.
Here are a few of my favorites:
“No Noising” (Be Quiet)
“Airline Pulp” (Airline Food)
“Question Authority” (Information Booth)
“Burnt Meat Biscuit” (I have no idea what this is, but I think it is in one of my wife’s cookbooks.)
“To Take Notice Of Safe. The Slippery Are Very Crafty” (Slippery walkway, be careful)
“No Burning” (No smoking)
“Shangrala Is In Your Mind But Your Buffalo Is Not” (I can’t even imagine what this is.)
“Racist Park” (Ethnic Minority Park)
“Corrugated Iron Beef” (Menu Item)
“Chop The Strange Fish” (Menu Item)
“Government Abuse Chicken” (Menu Item)
“Me Nu” (Menu)
“Stall Is For Person Without Limbs” (Handicap Restroom)
Maybe it’s just me, but I kind of like the language just the way it is. Sometimes it’s almost poetic.
Oh, and for the record, I really am reading that book over there under the “I am currently reading thingie.” Also, for my kids who read this blog from time to time because they are degenerate perverts, that picture up there is of Lucy Liu, but you need to get used to calling her Mom.
