Tongue In Check

Every spring for as long as I care to remember, we go through this huge bump in gas prices that nearly dominates the news for weeks on end. It’s as predictable as the start of the baseball season every spring.

We bitch about it. We whine about it. We threaten boycotts. We sign petitions. We write our congressmen. We invade other countries. You name it and we do it. We do everything but quit driving our huge gas guzzling cars and trucks. And don’t yell at me for that last statement because I drive a gas guzzling truck.

Usually, within a few weeks, prices drop back down somewhat. We all wipe the collective sweat off of our brow and go on about our business. But we are missing the subtleties of manipulation because we are….well, we are fairly simple minded.

When gas prices go up, they usually spike up really quick to some ridiculously high level and then they level off for a few days and then slowly drop. But have you noticed that they never drop back down to a level at or below where they were before the spike? No, probably not. We are all so happy that prices have fallen, we don’t get all bent out of shape about the fact that gas is now only 5 or 10 cents a gallon more than it was before the spike. It’s a brilliant trick on the part of the oil companies and explains why the have record profits every year.

The real issue with gas in this country is not the price of oil. Oh that can cause some problems from time to time but it is not going to be the thing that will bring us to our knees. What’s going to kill us is the lack of refineries and refinery capacity in the country. I mean let’s face it, one good Katrina style hurricane hitting Houston and the Houston ship channel could make us a 3rd world country overnight.

So what’s the reason for this last gasoline price hike? Certainly it wasn’t the price of a barrel of oil because that is at a reasonable level (for once). This time, it seems that refineries have learned that they can get in on the big profits like oil companies have by manipulating their supply. See, if they shut down some of their capacity for “maintenance” or some other mysterious reason, they reduce their output, and due to the lack of supply the price of the their product will increase. Since there are no alternatives to the few operating refineries we have in this country, we are at the mercy of refinery owners.

Oh, and why isn’t someone doing something to come up with a real alternative fuel? Hey, welcome to America and our oil-based economy. If by some miracle we had a feasible alternative to gasoline overnight, our economy would collapse on itself.

I want one of these. Shit, it’s even personalized.

that Utah ranks highest in the nation in anti-depression medication prescriptions? It does. I wanted to support my completely made up facts with a link, but I can’t find it right now. Why, you might ask, does Utah have the highest rate of anti-depressant prescription users? Well, I have a theory.

Mormons make all non-Mormons feel so totally unwelcome that after a while, non-Mormons start to feel paranoid. Mormon Dr’s give non-Mormons medication to make them loopier than a daffodil and then the Mormons sneak in late at night and remove all of the non-Mormon’s pubic hairs with a pair of rusty tweezers and a plasma torch. The non-Mormons wake up the next morning feeling pre-pubescent and are so thankful that they have found the “fountain of youth” that they join the Mormon church and help to perpetuate the myth of the golden tablets and earthbound prophets.

Did you know….

that a man by the name of James Strang declared himself king of a Mormon outpost on Beaver Island in Lake Michigan just off the shores of Michigan. Yep, he did. Another crazy Mormon finding golden tablets telling his followers he was the chosen one.

Of course the Mormons knew that James Strang was not the chosen one because the Mormon scriptures clearly stated that their leader would take them to a desert and make an oasis. Well, clearly Utah is a desert full of Mormons, but I fail to see the whole Oasis thing, unless of course they mean an oasis from reality.

It may also be that King Strang just picked the wrong island to become king of. I mean after all, Mormons and Beavers typically don’t associate with one another.

Did you know…..

that when I go to Wendy’s and order their meat and bean water that they call chili and ask for hot sauce, I really mean I want hot sauce. It’s not a suggestion. I really freaking want it.

Did you know…..

that I have a plan to stop illegal immigration? Yep, I do. See, here is the thing. Our government is incapable of doing anything to stop illegal immigration. Our government is a huge inept organization that spends all of its time trying to keep its own lead-filled head above water so they have no time for doing things like actually governing a nation. Besides, the leader of this bunch of short bus refugees that we laughingly call a government couldn’t find his own asshole without a funnel, so why do we look to them to fix anything.

Fact is, if certain states like Utah, Arizona, Texas, and a few others really want to stem the rising tide of illegals, they should organize a nationwide boycott of all things Mexican. For example, one of Mexico’s top industries is tourism. And guess who contributes to the success of that industry? That’s right. A-mur-kins.

So I figure that as a nation, if we boycott all things Mexican (I think this one is safe for work, but if you are worried, don’t click it), maybe we can get the Mexican government to do something to stop people from entering our country illegally. God knows we can’t do anything about it ever.

Did you know…

that Utah leads the nation in pyramid type scams being pulled on its occupants. Yep, it’s true. Of course when you consider that the majority of the population of the state is so gullible that they believe in the Mormon Fairy Tale, is it any wonder that they would be easily duped?

Did you know…

that I have a fool proof plan to get our soldiers out of Iraq? I do. I guarantee that if we use my plan, all (did you hear that….I said ALL) of our soldiers will be home by labor day.

Of course this version is considerably condensed from its original form, but basically, here is my plan:

just fucking leave.

God almighty I hate flying. I had the misfortune of having a 2 hour delay leaving Detroit yesterday. We got on the plane and in our seats and sat there for 2 hours waiting for the weather to clear in Denver. Personally, I am thinking WTF because it’s a 3 hour flight and by the time we get there the weather will be clear. Then to top it off, I had another 2 hour delay in Denver. One hour of that delay was spent in the airport terminal and the other was spent on the airplane. By the time I got home it was after midnight.

Did you ever think that you knew someone really well and then find out later that you really don’t know that person at all. Not only do you not know that person but you find out that that person is a total self-centered shallow piece of crap. I had just that very epiphany yesterday afternoon. Of course to wax philosophical, I like to think that that person has always been a shallow self-centered piece of crap and I only thought they were something else. Oh well, better late than never I guess.

I was hoping that while I was away someone would break into my apartment and steal all of my stuff so I wouldn’t have to haul it all home with me in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, everything was still here exactly where I left it, including the mess.

I suppose I should get ready for work.

Update: I don’t know about you guys, but I will be so freaking glad when those two whales swim back out to sea. God, I am sick of getting the daily progress reports on them. Every available second of news time should be completely devoted to the fact that we have a moron in the Oval Office and we desperately need to get him to swim back out to sea. Strap Ahab to the back of those whales and haul all of their asses out into the ocean and let’s get this long national nightmare over with. Oh yeah, and take Lindsay Lohan with you.

I haven’t filled out a job application in 15 years. My wife brought one home from where she works for me to fill out and honest to crap they ask way too many fucking questions. Do you suppose NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS would be a suitable answer? Probably not. I wish I could just write that “I am an old man and I need a job other than what I have been doing for the last 28 years, so hire me please otherwise I am going to have to do something that all of my previous employers will consider illegal.”

I spent all day trying to come up with something profound and/or witty to write about for a Memorial Day post, but couldn’t think of a single thing. I mean let’s face it, every war we have fought since WWII ended has been a huge freaking bust and it seems to me like a lot of people have died for no good reason at all. I know it sucks to say that, but someone has to. I am sorry all of those soldiers died for nothing, but don’t blame me. Blame your government and the military industrial complex.

Today is my Mom’s birthday. She’s 73 years old today and just as senile as the day she was born. I mean she is not really senile or anything, but truth is, you’d never really know for sure if she was or not. Is it possible to be born with Alzheimer’s? Well of course it is and I suspect that I am living proof of that.

Happy Birthday Mom and I hope you have a great day.

Tomorrow I have to fly back to Utah.

Shit.

a good home for a hopelessly retarded, 23-toed cat with a bladder control problem (but only while riding in certain cars) and ears too small for its water-filled head.

Serious inquiries only.

Please call Jackie and leave a message if she isn’t in (because she is probably busy cleaning up pee somewhere).

The problem with stolen wireless internet is that there is absolutely no one to complain to when it doesn’t work right. I have had to search every inch of this living room to find a spot where I can connect and unfortunately, the only place I can connect requires that I have to be bent over like a dog humping a jug to type this.

For the record, I will take 60 degrees and rain in Michigan over 75 and sunny in Utah any day of the week. When I got here Thursday night, it felt like the plane had just touched down in the tropics. For the last two days, however, it has been cool and rainy. Honestly, I don’t mind it all that much since all this rain makes it impossible for me to mow the lawn.

Speaking of mowing the lawn, my lovely wife (the Jackson Pollock of yard sculpture) still hasn’t figured out the intricate complexities of lawn mowing. She did mow a few weeks ago and that would explain why in some places the grass is 8 inches tall and in other places it is only 4 inches tall.

On Friday morning I went back to the Dr. to renew of my prescription for Ativan and as always, nothing is ever as simple as it seems. The Dr. gave me another 20 day supply and explained that Ativan is a controlled substance and he can’t give me a long-term prescription. He also explained that Ativan is only treating my symptoms and not getting to the root of the problem. He also thinks that based on the frequency of my panic attacks that they may have morphed into panic disorder, which according to him can lead to more serious issues and the development of all sorts of phobias. I suspect he may be right in his diagnosis. Anyway, he gave me a prescription for an antidepressant. I have always been reluctant to use any antidepressant, but I think the time has come. I have yet to have a panic attack in Michigan so I am hoping that once I get back here for good, those things will be a thing of the past and things will return to normal….whatever the hell that is.

Tomorrow all of my kids and their significant others will be coming over for a barbeque. I am hoping it doesn’t rain and I can get up early and get the yard done before they come over. I am going to try to con my oldest daughter’s husband and Jackie’s boyfriend into helping me cut down a dead tree in the back yard. Cutting down a dead tree has damn near been a yearly thing since we moved into this house back in 1994. Chain saw therapy is good for the soul.

This morning I woke up with a hangover and chihuahua in my bed. Fortunately, the hangover went away, but the chihuahua never did.

I am posting from Denver…just because I can.

Note to parents of small children: Your kids are probably cute in some small sense, but keep them to yourself or I will cook them and eat them.

Note to certain foreign travelers: Please take a shower before you board the plane, and never ever book a seat next to me.

Note to non-English speaking travelers: Good freaking luck getting anyone to understand you.

Second note to parents of small children: I was not kidding about the cooking and eating thing.

Special note to the mom of said small children: I don’t care if you are a MILF, I will still cook them and eat them.

Note to Flaming Gay travelers: I don’t care that you are gay, but please stop flaming.

Note to people traveling to Detroit from Denver: You are so cool in your Red Wings and Pistons shirts. I love you and want to have your children.

Note to readers of this blog: I apologize for all typos past, present and future.

Note to guy across from me with the wife/girlfriend with the big knockers: Do Not…I repeat do not leave her unattended.

Note to the businesswoman sitting next to me trying to read what I am typing. Hi…you have nice knockers.

Additional note to the businesswoman sitting next to me: What??? Leaving so soon???

Note to Self: Carmen is like a 4-legged Ativan.

Additional note to self: Gin is like a pine tree flavored Ativan.

This concludes my first and hopefully last post from Denver.

Love,
Me

Normally I have a mustache and goatee. Pretty much I have had that on and off for the last 15 years. Probably more on than off.

Anyway, every now and then I get sick of looking at my own face in the mirror and I shave off part or all of it. Lately though, I have been shaving off only the bottom part of it and leaving the mustache and the “soul patch” as they say these days.

I like to think that I look like this. Or maybe even a little bit like this.

My lovely wife and partner in crime for the last 157 years, however, says I look like this.

Perhaps that is because I have been spending way too much time choking my chicken?

Anyway, this is totally corny and will have meaning only to a few people that I know. I apologize for the corniness (for those of you that can see it), but for me it does bring back a lot of memories and truthfully, we really did dress and act this way. For what it’s worth, I was in Key West shortly after this video was made and almost stayed. Most days I wish I had. I have had a lot of “Come Monday” days lately.

I am flying back to Michigan tomorrow for a the Memorial day weekend. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Oh…and by the way. My wife doesn’t work for free anymore either.

Ladies & Gentlemen, we interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to bring you this breaking news. Our intrepid reporters here at TIC have discovered that Ann Coulter is indeed a lesbian and we have found a picture of her lover. Many have speculated about Ms. Coulter’s sexuality, but the question has at last been answered. We are happy to report though that Ms. Coulter is obviously not dating outside her species as many have openly speculated.

In other news, Al Sharpton is still alive and Martin Luther King is still dead, proving once and for all that God has a sense of humor or that he doesn’t exist. You be the judge.

And now a word from our sponsors.

That concludes tonight’s blogcast. We hope you have a pleasant evening, and remember the words or our immortal and beloved Vice-Presidend Dick Cheney, “I used to love anal sex but I had to give it up because it hurt too much.”

Guess who was in town yesterday pouring out his heart to the Mormon Church?

Read about it here. If you have time, check out the comments. Of course like every story that appears on KSL, it turned into a discussion of Mormons vs. everyone else. Kind of pathetic really.