Tongue In Check

If there is a heaven, I have been there most of this summer. Of course, in my view, it’s not like God doesn’t owe me some kind of a break. The last 3 years have not been easy. I spent 2.5 years destroying my liver in Columbus and another 8 months destroying my brain in Utah. I needed a break. Besides, I am running out of vital organs.

We have accomplished a lot around here this summer. I have spent most of my time working out in the garage, cleaning, re-arranging, re-wiring and getting things ready for some new siding sometime later on this fall. As I think I have noted on here before, I am really good at tearing shit down, but not very good at putting it back together. I simply lose interest when I have to be all careful and shit. My son-in-law is going to be here to help my wife supervise me when it comes to putting up the new siding. I am the type that will put up one piece of siding, claim that I need something from town and then disappear to the bar for the rest of the day. Bring on all the supervision you want, I’ll still disappear.

We have been sitting out on the patio in the evenings until dark burning scrap wood in the chimenea. Not only is it peaceful,but it is functional as well. It’s hard to get rid of scrap wood. Carmen enjoys it too. She spends all of her time following me into the garage to get scrap wood and then following me back to my chair so she can whine to get back up in my lap. I have given her the option of just sitting there until I get back, but she just doesn’t seem too keen on that idea. Apparently that is not aggravating enough.

I know that come fall I will have to be going out on the road and doing some traveling, and in some ways, I am looking forward to getting back to work. Don’t get me wrong. I do so love getting paid for doing nothing (much) and I don’t feel the least bit guilty. I guess it is just practice for that inevitable day when I get thrown out of work for good. I think I better find a hobby before then. My wife says Gin does not constitute a hobby. What the hell does she know? She married me.

Gratuitous Kathryn Harris Photo

Need to cleanse your palate after that picture? Try this. I warn you though, it is very very unsafe for work and is a great example of a cootchie gone wrong. If you are a man, it might turn you gay.

My wife just finished the latest Harry Potter book. I have demanded that she tell me how it ends so I can post it and spoil it for everyone. She refuses to tell me. I am going to withhold sex from her until she tells me. Yeah, she’s going to miss that 15 seconds of hard lovin’ I give her every six months. She’ll cave.

Today is the 40th anniversary of the Detroit Riots. Interestingly enough, today the city is a vast wasteland that is ruled by a hip-hop mayor . Packs of wild children and pit-bulls roam the streets freely wreaking havoc on anyone or anything in their path. Makes me wonder what the point of the riots might have been.

I asked my old boss what we were going to do in Montana next weekend. His answer was, “drink, shoot guns, and ride 4-wheelers.” Somehow, even to me, that does not sound like a good combination. Of course we will have 2 Mormons there to protect us from ourselves.

Still no rain in sight here and I am pissed. I have only had the opportunity to use my new mower once since I got it. Of course, that doesn’t include starting it up in the garage and spinning around in circles. It’s kind of like having my own personal Tilt-A-Whirl. Well not really, it is more like one of those little Tea-Cup rides, but hey, those were fun too.

Saturday afternoon a friend of mine stopped over and we went out driving around stopping at several bars. After a few hours of that, we came back here and went to a neighbor’s house. There was a party going on there. I stayed for a few hours and then stumbled across the street to my house. Jack stayed a while longer. On Sunday morning my neighbor stopped by to thank me for leaving my “drunk-ass friend” at his house. Sounds like they had a great time. Jack drank all of my neighbor’s whiskey and then someone had to give him a ride home. Apparently I am out of practice because I was in bed by 9:30.

It’s great to be home and making my wife proud again.

I have a serious question for all of the female readers. Naturally, the guys might have something to say about this too, but it’s an important issue and I am very curious to know the answer.

When women find that there is something that they do that annoys the living shit out of their husband, boyfriend, or whatever he might be, do you just continue doing it on purpose just to piss your partner off?

Please tell me that is not the case.

Of course, Catherine Zeta Jones is excluded from this because there is nothing she could do that would annoy me. Well, almost nothing. I mean if she told me I had to give up Gin or something stupid like that, I would have to get rid of her, but other than that, there’s not much else she could do that would piss me off.

Okay, maybe there is one other thing that CZJ could do that would piss me off. If she kept going off and leaving the screen door open, that might piss me off too because that is just plain fucking retarded.

This is my 323rd post and I have been doing this blog for a little over a year now. I still prefer my old blog, but I don’t for the life of me see what the difference could possibly be.

Anyway, on average, I get somewhere between 40 and 60 visits a day, but every now and then, my readership will double or triple for the stupidest reasons and they are almost always people coming here looking for pictures of one thing or another.

Some of the choices crack me up and some of them I completely understand. I thought I would just put them all in one place to make it easier for people who surf in here looking for something to satisfy their curiosity.

Here they are in no particular order:

People just loves them big asses.

Because no one can get enough Padma in their diet.

Anything related to Mormons always brings the Mormons in.

Tara is smokin’ and I just don’t blame people for coming here for her.

Who could ever get enough Slim? Certainly not me.

I want to have Kelly Ripa’s children.

Hard to believe, but people come here for Ann Coulter Pics too.

Breasts bring ‘em in. Big breasts really bring ‘em in.

This picture brought in a ton of people from China.

This picture drew a huge Ohio crowd.

Thanks to all my “regulars” for making this fun.

…..in a British writer kinda way.

I wonder if she’s got a Hairy Potter?

I have spent the last few days doing some minor re-wiring in my garage and so far nothing has burned down and no one has been killed or seriously injured.

I am not very good with electricity and don’t really know how it works. I think it might be complicated like sudoku or jell-o. I view electricity a little like I view God. I don’t understand it, but I am willing to accept that it might be there.

What I don’t get is after I hook the wires up to the faucet, why won’t the lights come on when I turn on the spigot? Oh and how does the electricity know to stay in those little wires? Someone has trained electricity well.

Okay, I just finished watching Apocalypto on pay per view.

I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be a metaphor for something?

Personally, after watching this, I am damned glad the Mayans are all dead. They deserved to die and probably should have died a hell of a lot sooner. I mean seriously, these people were like Al-Quieda on meth.

Fucking stupid crack-head Mayans. I want my money back.

Reality

…of Corky Goes To War, President Footinmouth is offering a plan for peace in the Middle East.

Isn’t that like cancer announcing a cure for itself?