The Theory & Practice Of Talent August 30, 2007
Posted by mike in serious shit.19 comments
I am not necessarily what you would call an avid reader. Don’t get me wrong, I do love to read but I am just a little particular about what I am willing to read. I don’t give myself goals of a certain number of books to read every year or anything like that because that seems more like exercising than reading. Whenever possible, reading should be a pleasure and ever since I stumbled on to Jim Harrison, that is exactly what reading has been. He’s never written a bad book as far as I am concerned, and as one reviewer so eloquently put it, “Harrison is a writer with immortality in him.”
I discovered the joys of reading Harrison quite by accident in the late fall of 1973. I had decided to “quit” college for a little while because at the ripe old age of 19, I just couldn’t commit to something that I might have to do for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I was able to keep my summer job for a few extra months at a US Steel plant in northern Michigan, so I wasn’t a total bum. The unfortunate downside of this was that I had to work the midnight shift. My job was to “watch” a conveyor belt convey sand up into a large pile. Gigantic 85 ton trucks would stop by about every 20 minutes and dump the sand into a big hopper and it would disappear down the chute and be hauled away by the conveyor. This job was a lot like watching paint dry; especially while working from midnight until 8 in the morning. Almost nothing ever went wrong, and when it did all I had to do was call someone to come and fix it. Oh the joys of working in a union shop, how I miss those days. As a result of this extremely challenging job, I had a lot of free time that I could devote to reading and would usually finish a book every other day or so.
One afternoon, I stopped off at a local restaurant that was, coincidentally enough, owned by the family of the woman that would someday become my wife. I had roasted pork with mashed potatoes smothered in a ton of pork gravy. Smothering things in gravy is usually a tactic designed to cover up the sin of poorly cooked food. In this case though, the food would have been pretty good even without the gravy. Unfortunately, at that time, no one in Northern Michigan had discovered the wonders of cooking with garlic yet. After my meal I headed down to the local drug store a few blocks away. They had a small selection of paperbacks on one of those rack things that you had to spin around to see the entire collection. Unfortunately, and as usual, there wasn’t much to choose from. One book, however, did catch my attention. It was a book called “Wolf” by Jim Harrison. There was absolutely nothing about the author or the title of that book that I found particularly interesting, but there was a picture of a half naked woman on the front of the book. When you are 19 years old, a picture like that is almost as good as sex. The picture was shot from the back so you couldn’t really see anything, but still, at that age, my imagination exceeded any sexual encounter I had had up to that point, so I bought the book. Interestingly enough, and probably due to an over-abundance of political correctness in the world today, they have changed the cover art of that book which I think just takes away from the overall “feel” of that novel. But I guess it is all part of the modern-day “pablumizing” of America.
Anyway, a few days later at work while sitting in my little shack that sat precariously above the high speed conveyor belt speeding by below me, I opened that book. By the time I had finished the first page, I knew that I had stumbled on to something great. The guy actually wrote like I thought and his words just flowed through me. So much of that book reminded me of my own so far “misspent” youth. The wanderlust, the difficulties with institutions of higher learning, the loss of a close family member in a tragic car accident, the horrible relationships (all my fault); it was all there. I have probably read that book at least 10 times in my life and most of the reasons I liked it in the first place still apply. I still have the original copy with all the passages that I liked marked and starred. I am still amazed when I read that book at how talented Harrison is and as another literary critic said of Harrison, he is a story teller with the heart and soul of a poet. I don’t think there is a better description available.
Over the years, I read everything that Harrison wrote. In the late 70’s, he “hit it big” in the literary world with the publication of his novella “Legends of the Fall.” That book actually included 3 separate stories, each about a hundred pages long. Some of you may be familiar with it because the title story was made into a movie and starred Brad Pitt (terrible casting). It was a good movie, but nowhere near as powerful and as moving as the book. The interesting thing about this book is that Harrison was really in sad shape when he started trying to write it and had to give up several times due to a lack of money. None of the books he had written over the years had sold very well and if I remember correctly, he once said that he had an average income of about $8,000 dollars a year when he started working on “Legends of the Fall.” He was so broke that he thought he might have to go back to teaching (God forbid) so that he could afford to feed his family.
All that changed when he happened to meet Jack Nicholson on the set of a movie that Nicholson was shooting. Apparently Nicholson took a liking to Harrison and gave him 30 grand to go finish the book. When he finally finished the book, it was so well received that he was able to sell the rights to some movie studio and ultimately “Legends of the Fall” and another short story in that book, “Revenge,” were made into movies. Interestingly enough, the one story in the book that was not made into a movie was my favorite. It was called “The Man Who Gave Up His Name,” and was about a middle aged man freshly divorced and going through a career crisis. At night when no one was around, he would open a bottle of wine and dance with his memories to the music in his head.
With a little cash under his belt, Harrison was able to expand his world a little and began writing books with a more worldly view. In the early 80’s he published a book called “Sundog” which is hands-down, my favorite. “Sundog” is the story of a man who learned the mechanics and engineering intricacies of bridge building while working on the Mackinac Bridge linking Michigan’s upper and lower peninsulas and then went on to a prosperous career building bridges and dams throughout the world until he fell off a dam somewhere in the tropics and was forced to return “home.” The only problem was that he had spent so much of his life traveling around the world that he found he had no “home” to return to. It’s a fascinating story, and again, it’s another one that I have read repeatedly. Sometimes late at night, I feel like I have lived the contents of that book.
Harrison came under a lot of criticism for being a “macho” writer because he wrote a lot about things that men do (as if we men are not allowed to write about things we like to do). Because of his love of things like hunting, fishing, fighting, fucking and drinking, he was inevitably compared to Hemmingway, which was a comparison that Harrison detested. Sometime in the early 90’s, he published a book called “Dalva.” This book was a real departure for Harrison because the main character in the book is a woman and he wrote it in first person. It’s an amazing read. I mean it was a fantastic story to begin with, but Harrison writing as a woman was a technical coup that shut his critics up with an absolute vengeance. The really odd thing about that book was that he nailed the “voice” of the female lead perfectly.
Anyway, the point of this whole post is that I was reading a collection of interviews with Harrison the other day called “Conversations with Jim Harrison” and I came across this quote by him and it struck me that this may be the heart of what I like about Harrison and what I find so disturbing about America today. He was answering a question about how difficult it is for a writer to live and write in America these days with all the subtle forms of censorship when said,
“[that] horrible political correctness, which is fascist, repressive, and altogether humorless.”
For me, it simply doesn’t get any “truer” than that.
An Interview With Al Sharpton August 29, 2007
Posted by mike in Al Sharpton Sucks.22 comments
Ladies and gentlemen as many of you know, I am a great admirer of Reverend Al Sharpton. I have followed his career since he burst on the scene by co-opting the work of many great civil rights leaders in order to fulfill his own need to be in the media spotlight. Needless to say, when I was told that Reverend Al had agreed to sit down to an interview with us, I was ecstatic.
Our reporters were able to meet with Reverend Al this morning shortly after he arrived in New Orleans and I am happy to present you with the transcript of their interview.
TIC: Reverend Al thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us today.
Rev: Well you are welcome. Normally I don’t like to talk to white people, but I will make an exception today.
TIC: Well we feel honored.
Rev: Oh you know you do.
TIC: So Reverend Al, what have you been doing since you recorded “Let’s Stay Together” way back in 1972?
Rev: I didn’t record no “Let’s Stay Together” you white fool. That was Reverend Al Green, you ignorant honky.
TIC: Oh. So you didn’t record “Let’s Stay Together?”
Rev: Hell no, I done told you oncet, that was Reverend Al Green.
TIC: Well then. We’re very sorry to have bothered you. Thank you for your time.
Rev: Damn white fools.
On behalf of the staff at TIC, I would like to thank Rev Al for his time and express our deepest regrets that he didn’t actually record “Let’s Stay Together.”
Family Values Interview August 28, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.30 comments
Our reporters here at TIC have been very busy this week trying to get an interview with Republican Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. As you may or may not know, Senator Craig, that old bastion of family values himself, has had a very busy week.
Unfortunately, Senator Craig did not have time for an interview, but he did issue this statement.
“I am not gay except when I am blowing men in the bathroom stalls at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport.”
Senator Craig, a strong supporter of, and former campaign worker for Mitt Romney, has promised us that once he returns from his trip to Thailand, he will sit down and talk with us.
Relationships August 27, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.29 comments
As someone who has been married for exactly 157 years, I consider myself to be something of an expert (former drip under high pressure) on the subject of relationships that culminate in marriage.
It seems that most of my friends are not married for one reason or another. Either they made the decision not to get married, or they got married and then ended up divorced. As a result of this, I am constantly asked what my secret is to staying married for so long.
Well friends, I am going to tell you my secret. In a nutshell, here it is: Don’t Fuck With It. That’s right, you heard me. Don’t fuck with any aspect of your marriage. Don’t analyze it. Don’t think about it. Don’t worry about it. Don’t do anything with it because anything that you do to try to fix it will only make matters worse. The old saying “let sleeping dogs lie” has never been more applicable.
In my case, my wife and I pursue our separate interest and for the most part leave each other alone. For example, my wife loves to knit. She can knit the shit out of almost anything. She actually knitted us a new cat once. I certainly don’t begrudge her and the time she spends knitting because I have interests of my own. While she is at home knitting, I am usually at the bar doing things like entering into pig knuckle eating contests.
My wife loves to garden too. She has gardens all around the house and is constantly tinkering with them by doing things like moving this plant here and moving that plant there and pulling out weeds and getting rid of bugs and other garden related issues. While she is busy working in her garden, I am usually at the bar convincing the bar tender that we should deep fry apples and eat them. They are really pretty good although I think they would have been better had we had some kind of breading to put on them first.
My wife reads constantly and I know that reading is good for you. She reads books about gardening and knitting and she reads mysteries and fantasy and things like that. Just the other day, while my wife was home reading a book, I was at the bar leafing through old issues of Penthouse. Some of these magazines were from the 70’s. My God girls were hot back then with their actual natural (as opposed to store bought) titties. God I miss the 70’s.
This past Friday night I was discussing marriage with a friend of mine who is having relationship issues. His problem is that he spends way too much time thinking about his marriage. It seems like every time I see him, he bores me to tears with all the gruesome details of his failing marriage.
Here is an actual snippet from our recent discussion he and I were having about his marriage. After you read this, you will know exactly what I mean about over-analyzing your marriage.
Friend: Dude, that woman over there is totally checking me out.
Me: No she’s not, she’s checking me out. She doesn’t even know you exist.
Friend: Bullshit…Oh wait. I see what the problem is. I am talking about that young hot looking woman, not the old bat with no teeth.
Me: Oh.
Anyway, my friend spends countless hours analyzing his relationship with his wife just like that. I try to tell him that it is best just to leave it alone, but he insists on over-analyzing. Obviously, he needs to take up knitting or something.
She said you gotta do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
I treat my body like a temple
You treat yours like a tent
But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
Thats the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin bug
Jimmy Buffett, “Fruitcakes.”
An Open Letter Of Apology To Miss Whatshername August 24, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.51 comments
In 1968 I was in Junior High School and in the 8th grade. We had a brand-spanking new fresh out of college teacher who had been assigned to teach us English. I cannot for the life of me remember her name. I have been trying to remember it all day long, but it’s just not going to happen.
As I recall, she had short red hair, coke bottle thick glasses and lips that looked like she had been blowing the tailpipe of a 1964 Chevy. She was kind of a mousy woman and not very well equipped for teaching the bunch of heathens that she had been assigned to.
From day one it was obvious that she could not possibly control us. I remember her trying to assign seats, which none of us were too happy with. One really “bright” dumb kid told the teacher his name was Wayne Jackson, which it wasn’t. Wayne was on the other side of the room and grinning from ear to ear when he realized what was going on. More than half the room told the poor woman the wrong name. I was Alphonso Lipscomb. The next day when we all came to class and the teacher started calling on us, we told her our real names.
Teacher: “Alphonso, what part of speech describes a person, place, or thing?”
Me: “I’m not Alphonso.”
Teacher: “Then why are you in his seat?”
Across the room a young black man raises his hand and said “I’m Alphonso.”
Teacher: “Then why are you in Tommy’s seat?”
It was probably at this point that she began to doubt her career choice. Have no fear though, things only get worse. During class we would routinely get up and walk out of the room without asking. Sometimes people would just get up and go stand by the window and talk. I was constantly, and I mean like every few minutes, getting up and sharpening my pencil. Everything was so well choreographed that sometimes it was like watching a play. Someone would throw a paper airplane. Someone else would get up and walk out of the room. Someone else would raise their hand and then when the teacher called on him or her, they would say that they forgot what they were going to ask. All the while, I was sharpening my pencil and making faces at the teacher behind her back.
Teacher: “Please take out your pencils and begin the test now.”
Me: “I don’t have a pencil.”
Teacher: “Well where is it?”
Me: “All gone.”
It was all fun and games for about a month until one day when a fight broke out in class. This wasn’t your normal fight. This was a fight between a girl and a guy. As I recall, the guy was “feeling up” the girl from the desk behind her. She jumped up from her seat and began beating the living hell out of him and the fight spilled out into the hallway resulting in a near riot.
For the next week or so, we had a “guest” in the classroom. It was none other than our esteemed Principal, Mr. John Henry Franklin (whose signature I could fake perfectly making me a very popular boy). Naturally while Mr. Franklin, or John as I liked to call him, was in the room, we were all perfect little angels. It was during that week that we all, including Mr. Franklin, realized that despite all the law and order having a Principal in your classroom could bring, Miss Whatshername couldn’t teach worth a shit. Maybe all of our “antics” had thrown her off her game, but one day towards the end of that week of supervision, she walked out of the classroom in tears and was never to be seen again.
Don’t think that there weren’t consequences to our actions though. Once Miss Whatshername left, we were given a new teacher who was built like a tank only better armed. Mrs. Rutger had absolutely no sense of humor as I learned within a day or two of her taking over the class. Do you have any idea how time consuming it is to write the phrase “I am a loquacious person” on the chalkboard 200 times? Geez, how did we ever do anything before copy and paste?
Anyway, I want to apologize to old Miss Whatshername for my actions. I have no idea why you didn’t beat the living hell out of us, or worse yet, shoot us. I wish I could remember your name so that I could send you some pencils or something.
An Interview With Mitt Romney August 23, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.35 comments
Ladies & Gentlemen, our intrepid reporters here at Tongue In Check have been granted an exclusive interview with Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Due to an exclusive arrangement with Mr. Romney’s “people,” I am prohibited from telling you the exact details and location of this interview. We here at Tongue In Check keep working hard so you don’t have to. So, without further babbling, I present you with the interview with Presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
TIC: Thank you Mr. Romney for taking the time to meet with us.
Mitt: I’m welcome.
TIC: So, Mr Romney, what made you decide to run for President.
Mitt: Well this is a great country and I felt like I needed to serve my country in the best way I know how.
TIC: Mr. Romney much has been made of the fact that you are Mormon. What do you think of that.
Mitt: Well, that’s ridiculous. I’m not Mormon. I mean, I used to be, but now I am not.
TIC: Ummm…well what are you now?
Mitt: I’m a Mormon, thank you for asking.
TIC: So what can you say that will assure Americans that as a Mormon President, you can serve all of America’s needs?
Mitt: Well first of all, I am not a Mormon. But, as America’s first Mormon President, I would ban the sale of alcohol and make all businesses close on Sunday. I would also ban gambling and force women to wear burkas.
TIC: How would you tackle illegal immigration?
Mitt: As I have stated many times before, I am for illegal immigration as long as they do it legally. Now, having said that, I would like to say that I am totally against illegal immigration. That’s why I would send a contingent of Mormons to Mexico and have them go door to door and convert the Mexicans to Mormonism. Once they are converted, I would open the doors and welcome them with open arms.
TIC: How do you feel about abortion Mr. Romney?
Mitt: I am totally opposed to abortion and would ban it immediately.
TIC: That’s a rather harsh stance.
Mitt: That’s correct. I totally believe in a woman’s right to choose.
TIC: Tell us your views on the war in Iraq.
Mitt: I totally support the war in Iraq. That’s why, if I am elected President, I will bring our troops home. We have to stop the terrorists over there if we have any hope of surviving as a free country.
TIC: Many other candidates have talked about tax reform. What are your views on the subject?
Mitt: When I am elected President I am going to eliminate taxation in all forms. Instead, I am going to propose a 10% tithe payable to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. All Americans would be required to pay this, regardless of their wealth or social standing.
TIC: Much has been made of your apparent “flip-flopping” on issues. Would you care to explain yourself?
Mitt: Well yes, thank you, I would love to have a chance to discuss this issue. I really wouldn’t care to talk about it.
TIC: How do you feel about gun control?
Mitt: I am all for gun control as long as we don’t control guns. I think guns make America great. Without them, we would be a nation completely at the mercy of people like me or George Bush. When I am elected President, I will ban guns immediately except for those that want them.
TIC: What do you think about the decline of America’s manufacturing capabilities and importing from China?
Mitt: Well, I think that is bad for America. Of course, on the other hand, it is good for America. I mean it is good for Wall Street and rich people. You know, people who can donate lots of money to my campaign. It is good for them. But for the rest of America, it is a bad thing. That’s why I am all for importing goods from China.
TIC: Thank you for your time Mr. Romney.
Mitt: It was your pleasure, I am sure. Thank me very much.
Edited to add on January 28, 2008: This post has created an incredible amount of traffic on my blog. It has also resulted in an ungodly number of nasty emails from Mitt Romney supporters and Mormons. I wouldn’t think it would be necessary to tell people that this was all done in fun, but apparently it is necessary to say that.
People, this was done in fun. It is meant to be humorous. It may not be humorous to some of you, but it is to me and since this is my blog, it is only my opinion that counts.
On the other hand, I shouldn’t have any trouble believing that the same people who believe that Joseph Smith found some goofy ass tablets in the ground somewhere and spoke regularly with the Angel Macaroni would also believe that this obvious parody of Mitt Romney’s political flip-flopping might be real. So please, don’t email telling me that this untrue, or I am not smart, or my kids will be kidnapped by crazed Mormon missionaries. I make fun of everyone–especially myself–on this blog so you need to get over it.
Oh, and for the record, I think Mormonism is a cult. I know you don’t believe me now, but when your earth-bound prophet (shouldn’t that be profit?)tells you to drink the Kool-Aid so you can go frolic with your spirit children in the Celestial Kingdom, think of me just before you sip your way to eternity. The beauty of that statement is that it really is my opinion, and the last time I looked this was still America, so believe it or not, I am still allowed to have my opinion.
To those of you interested, I have an updated interview with Mitt here. However, if you didn’t like this, you are going to dislike the new one even more. I would, however, like to thank you for boosting my page ranking and increasing my viewership!
Look How Wrong You Can Be August 23, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.16 comments
Today I went to a cross country meet to watch my son run. I know I have told you before, but my son is Fasterthanamotherfucker. Now since he is Fasterthanamotherfucker, I assumed that this cross country meet would only last 15 or 20 minutes cause it’s all about running and running fast, right? Well, I was Wrongerthanamotherfucker because we left here around 3 this afternoon and got home at 8:00. What the hell? Why is it that an event like track or cross country, which is supposed to be all about the speed, is slower than old people fucking?
Anyway, I hope I have that parently duty out of the way for a while. (The cross country meet, not the old people fucking part).
Did you hear about Bush’s speech today? He pointed out the similarities between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam war. It was interesting to me because he did this as if the whole Vietnam thing was somehow a just and noble war, which it wasn’t because there is never anything just or noble about wasting 50,000 American lives for absolutely nothing. I don’t know, I guess it’s just another point on the curve of Bush’s declining mental state, but it really bothers me that a man that is that out of touch with America is running this country.
We’ve had a couple of days of constant rain here. I am thinking about building an Ark. Once I fill it up with Chihuahuas, Gin, & hookers, I may have a little room left over. Wanna come along?
Apparently, Mormons don’t like brown lawns. This is kind of absurd even for a Mormon.
True Confessions & Helpful Hints August 22, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.15 comments
True Confession:
I like to bite the heads of gummy bears and put them back in the package.
Helpful Hint:
Always wear sun screen.
It’s Time To Get Serious August 20, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.24 comments
Now that I am really old, I have decided that I need to be more serious. Honestly, life is not all fun and games and there is some serious shit going on in the world that needs our attention.
Today I want to discuss something that is very near and dear to my heart, and that is the environment. Now for those of you that don’t know what the environment is, go away because you are hopelessly fucking retarded and have no business reading blogs on the internet. You should probably proceed immediately to the nearest short bus and get on it.
For the rest of you smart people out there, get a pencil and piece of paper to take notes. Oh wait, scratch that last part. Don’t use paper because that is a double whammy on the environment. First they have to cut down a tree to make that paper and secondly when you burn it later, you release harmful crap into the atmosphere. So get a pencil….oh shit, don’t use a pencil either because they have to cut down a tree to make that too. Hmmmm. I was going to say get an ink pen, but that is made out of plastic and they make plastic out of oil, so you can’t do that either. Just fucking remember it, okay.
Anyway, here are some tips for saving the environment:
- Don’t drive your car for short errands. Walk. Walking is good for you and the environment. Only don’t exhale too much while you are walking because that is bad for the environment too. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me. See, I have to drive everywhere I go because usually I am too drunk to walk. But the rest of you need to walk more because you are fucking up my environment.
- If you find that you must drive a car, buy one with a really small engine that gets about 150 miles to the gallon and will only go about 40 miles an hour. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I like four wheel drive trucks with really big engines that I can drive about 90 miles an hour down the freeway. Just remember though, if you do have one of those little cars that gets about 150 miles to the gallon and only goes 40 miles an hour, pull the fuck over when you see me coming because I will run over you and I won’t even look back. That’s not true. I would love to stop and help you after I run over you, but I will probably be drunk (see above) and then I would get a drunk driving ticket and when I tear it up and throw it all over the ground, that would be bad for the environment.
- Don’t drink water from those plastic bottles. God invented the faucet so that you could drink from that. I know it is all stylish and cute to drink water from a plastic bottle like Paris fucking Hilton or something, but it isn’t necessary. If you really need to drink water, go to a public park and stand behind all the homeless people with big sores on their lips and drink from the public fountain. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I don’t drink water. I subscribe to the philosophy put forth by the late great WC Fields who muttered those immortal words, “Don’t drink the water, fish fuck in it.” He also said “It was a woman that drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son of a bitch, I never got the chance to thank her,” which has nothing to do with the environment except that the woman “drove” him to drink and she shouldn’t have been driving because that is bad for the environment.
- Change all your light bulbs from those regular ones to these. I have no idea why you should change to these things because they barely put out any light whatsoever and about 1 out of 3 of them doesn’t work at all. Besides, most of them are made in China and as we all know, China is bad for the environment. Personally this doesn’t apply to me because I spend all of my free time (which is all of my time actually) in dimly lit smoke filled bar rooms guzzling Gin and hitting on fat waitresses with questionable teeth and even more questionable morals. I do this so you don’t have to. You can thank me later.
- If you are stupid enough to change your own oil, don’t dump it down the storm sewer. That is bad for the environment in so many ways. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I don’t change my own oil. I make my wife do it and then late at night she sneaks out into the neighbors yard and dumps the used oil all over his flowers.
- Think before you buy. You should always look for products that are easily recycled. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I gave up thinking years ago. Hell, it probably doesn’t apply to you either if you are reading this blog. Thinking is a silly endeavor and will only leave you feeling shallow and hopeless like having sex with a hooker and charging it on your own credit card instead of your mom’s.
- Eat only organically grown foods that are not grown with the aid of chemical fertilizers. Chemical fertilizers are bad for the environment in so many ways. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I usually only eat TV dinners and hot dogs. I don’t know how those things are made and I really don’t care. All I know is that they taste good and nothing else really matters.
- Stop junk mail. Junk mail fills our landfills and is made from paper (and or plastic). Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I put all of my junk mail in my neighbor’s mail box because he is a fucking prick who looks like this. His wife is even funnier because she looks like this. They are a mess really and are probably both bad for the environment.
- Don’t mow your grass. Mowing the grass is bad for the environment unless you are using an electric mower. Of course, if you are using an electric mower, you are probably gay and you wouldn’t be reading this anyway because I have probably already offended you with my asinine insensitivity. Personally this doesn’t apply to me because I hire illegal immigrants to mow my lawn and then I don’t pay them when they are done. I mean seriously, what are they going to do if I don’t pay them–go to the “authorities?” I don’t think so. Fucking stupid illegal immigrants mowing people’s lawns and messing up the environment. Jesus.
- Stop taking showers, using deodorant, and brushing your teeth. That’s right, personal hygiene is bad for the environment. Besides, if you are worried about the environment, you are probably some kind of gay European and we all know those people don’t care about personal hygiene. That’s why we make them live way over there. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I take 5 or 6 really hot showers a day. I like to do this because it helps me with my sexual fantasies about Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra, and Charlie Weaver. Don’t ask me how Charlie Weaver got into my fantasies, because I don’t know. Fuck. Maybe I am turning European or something.
- Stop reading books and magazines. Books and magazines are bad for the environment. It takes all kinds of trees and chemicals to make books. Personally, this doesn’t apply to me because I don’t read books. Since Al Gore invented the internet, I get all of my porn from the internet. It’s fast, it’s easy, it’s better for the environment and I have never gotten the pages of the internet stuck together.
Anyway, I hope you have found this helpful, but more importantly, I hope you find a way to apply some of these handy little tips to your daily life so that you can save the environment for really important things like me.
It’s All Fun & Games Till Someone Loses An Eye August 19, 2007
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.25 comments
Okay, I admit it. I am starting to get slightly bored with this whole getting paid for doing nothing thing. You have no idea how difficult it has been. I talked to my wife about it over the weekend, and she reluctantly agreed with me that I should probably call work and tell them how difficult this has been on me and that I think I am going to need a raise. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
Speaking of jobs, I finally decided what I would really like to do when I grow up. I want to be Kari Byron’s official underwear taster. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
Speaking of Kari Byron’s underwear, I think we are going to have an early fall this year. I am starting to see some leaves turning yellow on the cottonwood trees and the high temperature today is only 64 degrees. Honestly, and for once in my life, I am looking forward to the cooler temperatures of fall. It makes for good napping weather.
So I have this really ugly spot on my chest. It cropped up about a month ago and just keeps getting uglier by the minute. I finally put a band-aid over it last week just so I didn’t have to look at it anymore. I have an appointment with my dermatologist, Dr. Adolph Hitler, tomorrow. He’s not a bad guy really, it’s just that every time I go to him for anything he tries to amputate my hands. Doesn’t he realize how that would put an end to my sex life?
As I know I have mentioned before, my wife has a lot of wildflowers around our house. She also has a lot of bird-feeders in the yard. Because of these things, we have a lot of birds hanging around. About a month ago, she added hummingbird feeders to her arsenal. Well, that is when things went to hell around here.
We have always had hummingbirds hanging around here, but for the most part they just came around from time to time and stuck their pointy little beaks in a flower, sucked it dry and then flew away. Well, all that changed when my wife added the hummingbird feeders to her arsenal of bird attractants. Apparently, and I didn’t know this, but you fill those feeders with liquid crack that makes these docile little creatures turn into the MS-13 gang or something very similar to it.
Ever since she put up the feeders, the hummingbirds have been completely out of control. One of them, a particularly evil little male, perches himself very near the feeders and waits for any other hummingbirds to show up. When they do, he swoops down on them like a kamikaze on crack and chases them away. They show no fear of humans whatsoever and will fight over their crack pipe of a feeder just mere inches from my head. Everyone thinks it’s cute and funny to watch them, but I know it is only a matter of time until I lose an eye to a hummingbird beak.
