Tongue In Check

I have a confession to make. I rarely, if ever, wash my hands after using a public restroom.

Now before you condemn me to the fires of hell for that admission, listen to me.

See, I know where my johnson has been, but I have no idea where yours might have been. I take great care when I am in a public restroom not to touch anything but my johnson. Remember this the next time you reach for that faucet: The guy before you who just turned on that faucet was just holding on to his johnson. Do you want to hold on to his johnson by proxy?

I go in. I pee. I walk out. I touch nothing but my pure and clean johnson.

Here, listen to this and talk amongst yourself. I can’t hear this song without thinking of the 3 years that I lived in New Jersey. In retrospect, they were pretty good, except for the excessive drunkenness.

I am going to drink have lunch with a friend.

When your spouse comes home from work, there are a million things she might say to you.

Things like:

• Hi honey, how was your day?
• You dumbass, you forgot to take out the garbage again.
• Do you just sleep all day long?
• Why are all those Kleenexes around your chair?
• Did you piss yourself again?
• You are this drunk at 3:30 in the afternoon?
• That was a funny blog post you did today.

See. There are just so many things she could say.

But when she comes home after a hard day at work and asks you, “Hey, what’s going on with Joey Polanski and why hasn’t he posted much lately,” you know that your marriage is probably right in the crapper!

I admit that I am slightly fascinated that America is the kind of country that will let someone like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad come here to speak. I am also impressed with the way Lee Bollinger ripped him a new one. Way to go Lee. Ever consider running for President? We need one with balls.

Speaking of balls, Stick Figure Man is in New York comforting his friend Mamoo. I asked him how Mamoo was doing after his severe ass whipping yesterday and he sent back this cryptic poem that he attributes to Mamoo.

In Iran we don’t have homosexuals,
dissidents, or pesky intellectuals.
We’re a peaceful, loving nation
and only hang people for masturbation.

I came here to express my views,
and to give Americans the news
that the war on terror is flawed,
but now I must declare Jihad!

I think there’s going to be trouble.

I hate CNBC and all things business and Wall Street (or is that Wal*Street). That shit bores me to tears. However, I have found a reason to watch CNBC and her name is Erin Burnett. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s cute as a little bug and she makes me wet.

So the UAW is striking against GM. Does anyone care? Don’t these guys read the news? Don’t they know that no one buys their product anymore? Yeah, I really feel sorry for fork lift drivers that make 100 grand a year. Fuck you assholes. Get a real job.

We all hear on an almost daily basis how many American soldiers have died in Iraq. It’s sad. It’s disturbing. But did you know that by some conservative estimates over a million and a half Iraqi’s have died? On the other hand, you can’t win a war against an enemy that just won’t quit fighting. I suppose there is a lesson to be learned in there somewhere, but have no fear, we’ll never learn it.

Is it just me, or does the blogging world not seem the same without Joey Polanski? He’s having some computer problems and hasn’t been around much lately. Should we all chip in and buy him a new computer or just sit around and wait until until he fixes his 1938 computer with a dial up connection?

I am old enough to remember when President John Kennedy issued a challenge to Americans to put a man on the moon by the end of the 1960’s. At the time, I didn’t realize what a big deal that was. I mean just think about the logistics of putting a man on the moon when you could barely even get a spacecraft to orbit the earth. Anyway, as we all know, we did it. Now here we are all these years later totally dependent on oil from countries that would just as soon cut all of our collective heads off as look at us. I don’t know why someone doesn’t issue us a challenge to be energy independent in 10 years. If we can put a man on the moon, we certainly should be able to come up with an alternative to oil and dealing with a bunch of freaking lunatics and their nutty spokesperson.

Why didn’t this ever happen to me when I was in high school?

Utah is so simple-minded. This is the kind of thinking we are going to have to deal with if Mitt Romney is elected Presimormon.

News of a personal nature: The Boy is a running fool this year. He has taken 5 firsts in the last 5 cross country meets and his last time in Saturday’s 5k race was 15:58 and he was a full 40 seconds ahead of the next kid. Congratulations Boy. Now just pray for a scholarship because your sister has spent your education money!!

or Confessions Of A Wandering Mind.

Household projects are not something that I take lightly. Serious planning has to go into each and every step and focus is the key to completion. If you can’t plan or focus, just learn to bullshit your way out of work.

The picture above shows what the railing on my deck looked like. I have hated it for 13 years now. I have also been planning on doing something about it for 13 years and I finally got around to it. I could have torn it down and started all over, but that would be a whole lot of work and work, by its very nature, is largely inefficient. If nothing else, I am lazy efficient.

The simple answer is to put a board across the top of it. You know, like a little shelf or something. A place to put my Gin and tonic when I am sitting on the deck watching the sun come up. Well, I can’t really watch the sun come up from my deck. I can only watch it go down, but if I could sit out there and watch the sun come up while sipping on a Gin and tonic, it would be almost as lovely as watching the sun go down while sipping on a Gin and tonic. Don’t ask me what that string thingie is, because I am not going to tell you. It has to do with my wife being one of those concept yard artist types and that is all I am saying.

Of course all those complicated angle cuts require a complicated piece of equipment. Here is my complicated piece of equipment sitting on top of an old portable dishwasher in my garage. I prefer to use this complicated piece of equipment after I have had a couple of drinks because I am way too nervous to use it otherwise.

Check out the wheels on my wife’s car. We call her car “Big Pimpin” because she has Negro wheels on her car. She needs one of those big thumping bass things in there so we can hear her coming from a mile away.

Now, where was I….

Oh yeah. The deck rail. So anyway, as you can see by the background, it is now nighttime. “But you only added one board to that earlier picture,” you say. Well my friends, perfection takes time. Remember, I am an arteest. Anyway, time to quit for the night because it is time to go to the B.A.R.

I always say goodnight to my mower before I go to bed. Isn’t she cute? Nice tits too.

Anyway, it is morning now and I have made a little more progress. Well actually, it is morning 2 days later. I had things to do yesterday and really didn’t get much done. These boards are really heavy and it is hard to strap them on Carmen’s back for her to carry up the steps, but with the help of a couple of bungee chords and some cheese, she got them up there. Man, I got some fine ass joints there, don’t I?

These leaves are really starting to piss me off. I wish a big wind would come along and blow them into my neighbor’s yard, otherwise I am going to have to mow them soon.

They say you can’t fit a playing card between the joints in the wall of The Great Wall of China. Well, I am here to tell you, I have been to The Great Wall Of China and that is a lie. I mean there might be spots on The Great Wall where you can’t fit a playing card between the joints, but I didn’t see them. See that joint up there? Go ahead. Try to fit deck of cards between the two boards. You simply can’t do it.

I have manly wheels on my truck.

Now that the work is all done, I think I’ll just sit here on my deck and watch the leaves fall. Now, where’d I put that drink? Oh yeah, it’s on the deck railing shelf thingie.

Marg Helgenberger. Ugly name, pretty face and I want to run away with her. She’s 49. (Shhhhhhh! Don’t tell my wife, she’ll ground me again.)

Holly Hunter. She causes spontaneous orgasms. She’s 49.

Mary Louise Parker. She’s 43 and makes me wet. Oh, never mind. I just pissed myself again. Sorry.

Mimi Rogers. She’s 51 and have you ever seen her naked? My God, what knockers.

Tina Fey. Okay, she’s only 33 but I am putting her on the list anyway. She’s hot in a clever, brainy, scar on her face, kind of way and I want to have her children.

So really, who cares about Britney, Lindsey, and Paris? There’s no way they are going to be this hot when they are in their 40’s. Hell, they probably won’t even be alive.

Well judging from the millions of emails I receive daily, some of you are not too happy that Stick Figure Man (SFM) has been conspicuously absent for a while. I was sworn to secrecy and couldn’t say anything about it until now, but since he has been safely returned to us by his captors hosts, I can now talk about it.

Through his close association with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, SFM’s long time friend, spiritual adviser, and trusted pivot man in the circle jerk of life, SFM was invited to spend a few days in Tehran, Iran. Naturally, given the current tension between the US and Iran, security was very tight.

Upon his arrival in Tehran, SFM was greeted by his friend Mahmoud, or as SFM likes to call him, Mamoo the non-Jew. Mamoo greeted SFM with the typical radical Muslim greeting by holding a loaded .357 magnum to his head. What a peace loving group these Iranians are.

After several hours discussing world events and Iran’s plans for world domination through nuclear annihilation, SFM and Mamoo made their way to a famous landmark in Tehran, The Tehran Titty Temple to take in some local strippers. Apparently, due to Muslim laws, Iranian strippers are not allowed to show any actual boobage, but they are allowed to remove the veil from the upper part of their head showing their eyes. Stick figure man was forced to put a veil over his boner too.
Naturally SFM took his trusted companion Carmen with him. Carmen was not impressed because once she arrived in Iran, she was forced to wear a burka. Actually, she was forced to wear 4 burkas because she has 8 titties. If nothing else, these Iranians are consistent in the application of their laws.

After a few days of touring an Iranian suicide bomber plant where they make suicide bomb suits, Stick Figure Man was invited to spend a few days at an Iranian spa where you get to hang around with chains on your arms and legs for a couple of days. While there, SFM met many famous people hanging out in the spa.

Legal Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any whacked-out Iranian Presidents is purely intentional and should not be taken out of context.

Authors Note: Hey Mahmoud, Fatwa this!

ret·ro·spec·tive /ˌrɛtrəˈspɛktɪv/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[re-truh-spek-tiv]

–adjective

3. what you post when your life-experiences have limited you to watching cable news all day long and you can’t think of a single relevant thing to say.

I have been going through my archives lately looking at some old posts. Admittedly, a lot of them were total shit, but occasionally I surprise even myself with some of the crap I came up with.

Looking back at these posts though, I discovered something interesting to me. Some of my “favorite” posts were not necessarily your favorite posts, judging from the comments, or lack thereof. Anyway, here are some of my favorite posts from days gone by.

In July of 2006, there was a little dust up going on between Israel and Hamas. I was amazed at how ineffective modern warfare has become. Take a look.

In August of last year, I quit my job in Ohio. That was a good day for me since I hated those pricks with a passion yet heretofore unknown. I think I summed the whole situation up pretty good.

One night in September of last year, I came home to find that everything on my computer screen was upside down. This would have been bad enough sober, but I was totally drunk and was trying to figure out how to fix it. I still laugh when I think about the events of that night. I guess it was one of those you had to be there moments.

In October of last year, I moved to Utah and that was the beginning of a very dark period in my life. It’s really hard for me to go back and read most of those Utah posts. One night I was missing my old friends at the neighborhood bar terribly and this is what came out.

Nobody ever accused me of being rational or sane, but how I found a way to connect Gerald Ford and James Brown is beyond me.

Not everyone gets a letter from their liver.

Earlier in that same month (January of 2007), I came up with this. Gary Gilmore and my old college girlfriend had little in common, but somehow, I found a common thread.

Of all the posts I have ever done, this one is still my favorite. When I go back and read it, I can see that I was on a “slippery slope,” or as Chickie said, “This post has two steps from crazy stamped all over it.”

Gin is always a good subject to write about. Here are 16 fun facts about Gin that you probably didn’t know.

Contrary to popular belief, I actually did like a cat once.

I could do a separate blog about my mom and my sister, but since someday they both might learn how to read, I try to go easy on them. Sometimes though, I simply can’t resist.

Then there was the night everyone got “Slim Whitmaned.” That’s still another of my favorites and is a clear example of the power of Gin and Ativan.

A very distorted family history loosely based on facts. I spent a long time going through a family history web-site not owned by Mormons.

Saying good bye to Utah was the second happiest day of my life. Coming home to Carmen a few days later was the happiest.

Speaking of Carmen, every now and then she steals the keys to this blog and takes it for a joy ride.

You probably didn’t know it, but I am a relationship expert and this August post proves it.

Stick Figure Man’s debut is still my favorite Stick Figure post.

Well I could just sit around here and reminisce with you guys all day long, but the mortals are out mowing their lawns and I need to go show them how Gods mow the lawn. Maybe while I am mowing I will come up with something worthwhile to write about, but chances are, I won’t.

Shakey Jake Woods died Sunday night. They say he was 82, but no one knows for sure. In a world that is sadly devoid of real characters, Jake will be missed.

Jake had been a regular in downtown Ann Arbor, Michigan since the early 70’s. He was a street musician with a twist. He almost never had any strings on his guitar, and when he did, it was never in tune, but in a town where people get fined $5.00 for possession of an ounce or less of pot, Jake was a star.

Shakey Jake managed his own career on the streets. He sold T-shrits, hats, tapes, and a bumper sticker that proudly proclaimed “I BRAKE FOR JAKE.” I have seen these bumper stickers all over this country.

He would regularly stand on the corner and play his stringless guitar while people threw money in his cup. No one knows much about Jake except that his family moved from Arkansas to Saginaw, Michigan when he was a kid and he never went to school. Didn’t seem to hurt him much. The kindness of strangers was all he ever needed. Jake claimed that he was born on Halloween and was 104 years old. He has been 104 since 1973. He also claimed that he only slept two hours a night and had traveled around the world dozens of times despite the fact that he had never been on an airplane.

Very few people ever messed with Jake because supposedly he was surrounded by invisible body guards that only he could see.

In a world full of people like George Bush, Dick Cheney, Osama Bin Laden, Britney Spears, OJ Simpson, Al Sharpton, Larry Craig, Paris Hilton, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bill O’Reilly, Jake was one very bright ray of light. We need more humans like him; not less.

Go Easy Jake.