Tongue In Check

We have a cat named Trip. Trip is a rather large cat and weighs nearly 20 pounds. All in all, she’s not much of a problem unless you count the fact that she needs more attention than anyone around here is willing to give her. For the most part, she just likes to lay around soaking up the sun, stealing Carmen’s food, and meowing infuckingcessantly when her food dish is empty. She’s not always necessarily hungry when she starts meowing, she just doesn’t like an empty food bowl.

Trip, who we also call Neepie for no apparent reason, likes to sleep in our bed at night. She usually waits until we are almost asleep and then she likes to jump on the bed. This always wakes me up because the bed shakes violently when 25 pounds of furry blubber lands on the bed. As if this isn’t bad enough, she also likes to lay her lard ass across my legs pinning them to the bed. Then, as if that isn’t bad enough, she starts licking herself. This isn’t your normal licking by any means. It’s loud, obnoxious, and prolonged. After a few minutes I have usually had more than I can take and swat at her to move. That’s when she moves over and drapes herself across my wife’s legs and continues licking like there is no tomorrow. I just put the pillow over my head and pray for sleep.

Stick Figure Man (SFM) came to me in a dream last night and solved the problem for me. Check it out:

Just as SFM is about to fall asleep, the gigantic cat jumps on his legs and starts licking herself.

Stick Figure Man, in a moment of divine inspiration, lifts his leg suddenly and violently toward the heavens, thus thrusting the large cat with bovine tendencies across the room. As you can tell by the look on the cats face, the cat is not amused. Stick Figure Man and his wiener can now get a good night’s sleep.

I am a huge fan of Anthony Bourdain and love his TV show called No Reservations on the travel channel. I was watching the show last night and it was about a trip he took to Vietnam to sample some of the local cuisine and culture and the show reminded me a lot of a side trip I took while traveling and working in China in the late 80’s.

Most of the time I spent in China is shrouded in a maotai fog, but there are some days that stand out and are probably worth remembering. We were working in central China in a very remote area known as the Jianghan Oil Fields, about 150 miles or so west of the city of Wuhan. The area that we were in was considered very primitive even by the Chinese standards of the day. We lived and worked among the peasant farmers, oil derricks, pumping stations, and cracking towers of the area. We worked 12 hour days, Monday through Saturday, and for obvious reasons, we were very protective of our Sundays because it was the only day we had to ourselves.

On one particular Sunday, our Chinese hosts came to us and told us that we were going to take a road trip. Despite our vigorous protests, they insisted and since they held our passports and fate in their dirty little yellow hands, we agreed. This “road trip” consisted of a 3 hour drive on a semi-paved road along the Yangtze river to a city called Jingzhou. At the time, not too many Westerners had been to Jingzhou, so when we stepped out of the van, we were mobbed by the locals because they had never seen Westerners–especially those as diverse as us. I was traveling with a black guy named Dave, a big breasted red-headed woman from Texas named Debbie, and a guy I had been working with for most of my adult life named Larry. Larry was big and burly and had a huge black beard. There weren’t too many sights like us in China, and my only regret is that I didn’t sell tickets that day. I could have made a small fortune.

Anyway, we did the normal touristy stuff. We went to the walled city, saw some ancient ruins, checked out a few stores, looked at some of the ancient temples and architecture. Near the end of our visit, Mr. Huang, our Chinese handler and Communist party affiliate, informed us that we would be going to a local restaurant to eat. This is where things got really weird. See, at the time, we were advised to avoid eating in local restaurants because the quality of the food was not very good and there was the strong likelihood that we would all get sick. Most of us that were traveling together at the time had had at least one bad experience eating in dirt floor restaurants with dogs (which were about to become someone’s dinner) freely roaming around from table to table, so we were not all that keen on going anywhere to eat. Once again, our Chinese hosts were insistent, and once again, we had no choice.

When we got to the restaurant, we were surprised at how clean the place was. They actually had tile floors and curtains on the windows and everything looked relatively clean. The bathrooms, however, were typical Chinese style, and were to be avoided at all costs. We all took our place at the table and our hosts proceeded to order for us. We had all agreed to eat a small, but polite amount and just prayed that no one got sick.

While we sat there waiting for our food, we saw the strangest thing. A man and woman came into the restaurant and sat down. They looked like a typical Chinese couple wearing their blue Mao Suits, and shuffling through the place as if the weight of the world was on their shoulders. They took a seat at a table next to us and one thing about the couple really stood out. The man was a white man. He was probably in his mid-60’s and spoke to the woman in perfect Chinese. They never even acknowledged our presence. We asked our hosts about this and they didn’t seem to want to answer us. I mean here we were, in the middle of nowhere China and a white guy who had obviously been totally assimilated into the culture walked into the restaurant. We speculated amongst ourselves that maybe he was one of the missing Korean war soldiers, but really, we have no idea how he got there. Someone later suggested he might be Russian, and I suppose that could be. It just seemed very odd to me.

After a few minutes, the waitresses started bringing out the food. The important thing to remember about Chinese food in China is that it is nothing at all like Chinese food in America. There is only the most vague resemblance, and as I always say, there is not enough dirt in America to make authentic Chinese food. Most of what we had been eating prior to our trip to to this restaurant was not even recognizable and Chinese food handling techniques left a lot to be desired. Reluctantly, I picked up my chopsticks and started picking at my food. To my utter surprise and amazement, that food was delicious. Given the looks on everyone else’s face, they agreed, and we proceeded to eat ourselves into oblivion. I still have no idea what we ate that day, but I do know it was really good.

To this day, I remember that trip and that restaurant and rank it right up there with one of the most amazing days of my life.

I had a few posts going on here today. I had one going about racism, but I just couldn’t pull it all together. Besides, by today’s standards, if you defend people against racists charges, you are automatically labeled a racist. I had another one about politics, but that wasn’t working worth a damn either. Then I got started on religion and I just couldn’t convince Jesus to come down and finish the post for me.

Just as I was about to give it up and leave that post of the Dino Dogs and Satan baby up there for another day, God (in the form of Meggie) delivered unto me material in the form of a meme, and while I technically don’t like memes, I did like this one. It seems to be without a theme which I find very appealing.

So, here goes:

1.) Name one person who made you laugh last night.

Okay, this one is simple. My granddaughter Satan was here last night. She can always make me laugh. (She’s hideously evil you know).

2.) What were you doing at 8:00AM?

Peeing. I woke up at exactly 8:00Am this morning and the first thing I did was pee. Now, aren’t you sorry you asked. Is there an industrial cleaner available that can get the image of a 53 year old man peeing out of your brain. Good. Suffer bitches.

3.) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

I was reheating some baked ziti that Jackie and I made last night (although she really wasn’t much help). It had dried out a little so I added more sauce making it even better than it was last night.

4.) What happened to you in 2006?

Oh Jesus. This could take forever.

• My favorite bar in Columbus closed down.
• I sprained my ankle under suspicious circumstances.
• I quit my job in Columbus.
• I took a month off from work.
• I drove across the country with my wife to start anew job in Utah.
• I lost my mind.

5.) What was the last thing you said out loud?

I actually said–”I have no fucking idea.” I say that often. Not because I am a smart ass or anything. I say it because, honestly, I have no fucking idea.

6.) How many beverages did you have today?

Let me start this by saying that I had absolutely no Gin. I did have about 4 or 5 cups of coffee and a Sprite. Now this is going to come as a shock to some of you, but I did have 3 beers today. As always, they tasted awful and did absolutely nothing for me except make me pee a lot.

The writer Jim Harrison once said that “Gin is the heroin of alcohol addiction.” With that in mind, I’d like to add this: Beer is the methadone of alcohol addiction. In addition, it helps keep those nasty panic attacks at bay.

7.) What color is your hairbrush?

Is that before or after I beat my kids with it? Oh hell, who am I kidding? I don’t beat my kids. They beat me.

My hairbrush is a manly gray with black bristles.

8.) What was the last thing you paid for?

Besides a Thai hooker? I paid $2.50 for a Budweiser beer. The Thai hooker was better, but it didn’t taste as good or last as long.

9.) Where were you last night?

I was home keeping Satan away from my stuff. Satan has a thousand little hands and can move at the speed of sound. It was a full time job.

10.) What color is your front door?

Hunter green.

11.) Where do you keep your change?

I have a huge water bottle from one of those industrial water coolers and we have been putting change in it for about 10 years now. It’s about 2/3 full. I have no idea how much money is in there. There would be a lot more money in it if Jackie hadn’t been stealing money out of it since day freaking one.

12.) What’s the weather like today?

Temperatures were in the mid-50’s. Sky was clear and the sun was out. I was thinking that except for the dead leaves all over the ground, late fall and early spring are very similar in terms of the way it feels outside.

13.) What’s the best ice-cream flavor?

Hagen-Daz Chocolate-Chocolate Chip. I could eat it by the truck load. I am not a big ice cream fan, but this flavor, which is becoming increasingly hard to get, is the best as far as I am concerned.

14.) What excites you?

Somedays I am 53 going on 13. Others I am 53 going on 85. In general, I am excited by pretty faces, well-placed (but not over-exposed) cleavages, slightly imperfect teeth, long dark hair, a well rounded ass, and most of all, a very well developed brain.

Oh, and not much make-up.

If none of those things are available, I’ll settle for this.

15.) Do you want to cut your hair?

No, but I do want to shave off my mustache and goatee.

16.) Are you over the age of 25.

Yeah, I got over the age of 25 on the day I turned 26, which as fate would have it, was more than half my life ago.

17.) Do you talk a lot?

No.

18.) Do you watch the OC?

I know not what it is of which you speak.

19.) Do you know anyone named Steven?

Yep, and he’s an ass.

20.) Do you make up your own words?

Absofuckinglutely.

21.) Are you a jealous person?

I used to be, but one day I decided that it is a huge waste of human energy.

22.) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “A.”

Well I would be a fool if I didn’t name my wife Anne. Most days she really is a friend.

23.) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “K.”

Damn. I am at a loss on this one. I know people whose names start with the letter “K,” but I am not sure I would call them a full-blown friend.

24.) Who’s the first person on your received call list?

Anne.

25.) What does the last text message you received say?

“Home.”

26.) Do you chew on your straw?

Yes.

27.) Do you have curly hair?

No.

28.) Where’s the next place you are going to go?

Out on the deck to smoke and contemplate man’s inhumanity to man.

Well, either that or to bed.

I have no immediate travel plans and for once in my life, I am quite happy about that.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?

Jesus, so many to choose from. I think I’ll decline to answer this one. There are so many forms of rudeness that it doesn’t seem right to nominate just one person.

30.) What was the last thing you ate?

Some leftover (improved) baked ziti and a few pieces of leftover steak.

31.) Will you get married in the future?

No. If for any reason I was ever not married to my wife, I would never get married again. It’s just a whole lot of work and at this age, I am not in the mood to work so hard.

32.) What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the last 2 weeks?

Sadly, I’ve not seen any movies in the past 2 weeks worth remembering. Isn’t that sad?

33.) Is there anyone you like right now?

The same one I always like.

34.) When was the last time you did the dishes?

My wife and I share this duty. I make them dirty. She makes them clean. Seriously, I was pretty good about doing them this summer, but a form of fall depression has descended on me. I’ll get over it.

35.) Are you currently depressed?

Probably.

36. ) Did you cry today?

No, but I did scream real loud when I zipped my wiener up in my zipper.

37.) Why did you answer and post this?

• I had nothing else to write about.
• The questions were random and quirky enough.
• I zipped my wiener up in my zipper today.
• My wife is watching PBS.

38.) Tag 5 people who would do this post.

No. If anyone wants to do it though, they most certainly will.

It has been over a year since I have set foot in Columbus Ohio. I thought I was going to have to go down there earlier this summer, but it didn’t work out. I certainly don’t miss working in Columbus, but I must admit that there are times when I miss living there.

There have been several times when I started to write this post, but every time I tried, it turned into a seething rant about the worst human being I have ever known.

When I first went to work down in Columbus, I didn’t have a place to stay. I had planned on staying in a hotel until I found an apartment, but a co-worker offered to let me stay at his house. I was a little apprehensive at first, but eventually took him up on his offer.

Things were great for about six months until his girlfriend moved in. I told them both on the day that she moved in that I was going to move out, but they insisted that I stay. Talk about uncomfortable. The issue for me was that he was one of the nicest persons I had ever known and she was easily one of the worst.

I used to stop off after work for a drink or 12. I did this because I had met a few people in the bars and liked hanging out with them and because I did not want to go back to deal with my friend and his girlfriend-turned-wife. I knew that if I stayed out past 8:30 they would both be in bed. The problem was that my friend (who I will call Unit because that actually contains all the letters of his name) would often stop off at the bar too. Unit’s wife hated it when he stopped off at the bar and always blamed me for it. One night she actually called me and told me not to invite him to the bar anymore (which I had never done in the first place). I tried telling my friend that he shouldn’t stop at the bar after work because if he did Tanya would yell at me again. He just wouldn’t stop. Things kept deteriorating. He wouldn’t just stop for one or two; he would stay as long as I did.

I can’t tell you how many nights I stumbled into the house only to find the two of them fighting at the speed of light. There was always all that uncomfortable silence as I tiptoed up the steps. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved out without much notice and got an apartment right next to the bar where I used to hang out. Unit would still stop at the bar from time to time, but I didn’t give a flying fuck since his wife was now his problem and not mine.

Shortly before I left Columbus, Unit took another job in Boston. He and Tanya were trying to sell their house and they had some serious problems with their deck. It was the kind of problem that was going to stop them from selling their place. He asked if I could fix it for him and I reluctantly agreed.

The moment I got there, Tanya started treating me like a contractor and barking orders (she used to be in the military). I politely told her that if she wanted to hire someone to do the work, she could but if she wanted me to fix the problem (for free) I was going to do it my way. Obviously, she was upset with me, but I no longer cared one way or the other what she thought.

It took me about two hours to fix their deck and when I was done I started loading my tools up in my truck. As I was packing my truck, Unit and Tanya came out to ask me to stay for dinner and I accepted, reluctantly. While Tanya finished making dinner, Unit and I sat out on the deck and admired his newly repaired deck. Just as we sat down to eat, Tanya suddenly burst in to tears and got up from the table and ran upstairs. Unit looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and turned to stare out the window with that old familiar feeling of being totally uncomfortable. Unit jumped up from the table and ran upstairs after her. I quietly got up from the table, dinner uneaten, and left (I did at least chug down the remainder of my beer). I am proud to say that I have never seen or heard from Tanya again. I occasionally hear from Unit, but I don’t always answer his calls.

That picture up there is one I have posted on here before (click to embiggen). It’s the only tangible evidence I have left from the time that I lived in Columbus. Well that picture and the undeniable damage to my liver. The picture was taken one night in a bar called Conti’s that is now closed down. Seems there might have been a problem with some kind of illegal gambling going on. Or maybe it was the fight that resulted in half of the Columbus police department showing up. Who knows. That silver haired guy that you can barely see in the foreground of the picture hugging the dark haired girl is dead now. His name was Bruce and he died back in June from kidney cancer. He is the second person to die from the group of people I used to hang out with. The blonde sitting next to me is Amanda. I have no idea whatever happened to her, but she is probably stripping somewhere by now. That was her dream. You can barely see me sitting behind her. If you look closely, you will see that I am caressing a glass of Gin. That too is now a fond memory. Some days more fond than others.

Well somehow, we here at TIC have managed to score another really big interview. This interview was a little more difficult for us to do because there were certain conditions put on us that we don’t necessarily agree with. However, in the interest of bringing you the truth, we were more than happy to blow up that abortion clinic and burn a few libraries.

So without further adieu, here is our interview with Ann Coulter.

TIC: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us today Ann.

Ann: Well I am surprised you had the time to talk to me. I thought you guys spent all of your time performing illegal abortions on Republican mothers.

TIC: Now that you mention it Ann, that’s not a bad idea.

Ann: You people are all a bunch of fags. How can you call yourselves Americans?

TIC: Unfortunately, we can call ourselves Americans the same way you can.

Ann: Well there ought to be a law against you liberal America hating fags.

TIC: We are not here to argue with you Ann; we just want to know what you think of the current crop of Presidential hopefuls.

Ann: Well the Democrats are all fags, but I like some of the Republicans.

TIC: Who is your favorite Republican?

Ann: If I had to choose one right now, I would probably choose Mitt Romney. He’s the only one of them that doesn’t have bisexual tendencies. He’s a Mormon and Mormons hate fags.

TIC: Why are you so obsessed with people’s sexuality?

Ann: I am not concerned with people’s sexuality, but God is, and I am just here to do his work.

TIC: So you are saying that you are here on earth to do God’s work?

Ann: Yes, that’s my whole purpose in life. The Virgin Mary delivered Jesus and I am here to deliver truth.

TIC: But I thought that God was forgiving and loving and peaceful.

Ann: Fuck you fag. God is like Chuck Norris. He does whatever he wants to and I do whatever he tells me to.

TIC: So God tells you to call people fags?

Ann: Yes.

TIC: But didn’t God create homosexuals?

Ann: No, these people are created by fags. Fags breed fags.

TIC: Uhhhhhh….

Ann: God doesn’t make mistakes.

TIC: So what about all the rumors that you are a transsexual?

Ann: People are just jealous because my dick is bigger than theirs.

TIC: So does that mean you are a transsexual?

Ann: No, it just means that I have a bigger dick than most fags.

TIC: What about your hatred of Jews Ann?

Ann: I don’t hate Jews. They just aren’t perfect yet.

TIC: What do you mean by that?

Ann: Well they just aren’t full blown Christians yet. I mean don’t get me wrong, they are way better than towel heads, but they just aren’t there yet.

TIC: Is there any truth to the rumor that you have had a relationship with Mike for some time now?

Ann: No, there is no truth to that. That’s just wishful thinking on his part. He’s a fag. He thinks Lucy Liu is hot and we all know that Lucy Liu is a transsexual.

TIC: Any words of advice for America Ann?

Ann: Well America needs to wake up and realize that George Bush is the greatest President we have ever had. He’s almost like God, only dumber.

TIC: Thank you Ann.

Ann: Fuck off fag. Hey, why is everything I say in pink? Are you guys saying I’m a fag or something……

Sadly, even elephants get to have more fun than me.

Apparently Google giveth and Google taketh away. For about a month, my readership went through the roof. All of the people coming here were coming from Google looking for various sexually deviant experiences or pictures of said deviant experiences. I was routinely getting 30 or more hits an hour. Then, all of a sudden, “poof” it’s gone.

Not drinking Gin for almost 4 weeks now has been a real experience for me and a lot of times I feel like I’ve walked off and left my best friend behind. I won’t say that not drinking Gin has been a bad experience because in some ways I feel really good about it. Any regrets I may have are more about all the time that I wasted more than anything else.

As I have mentioned on here before, I love Marie Osmond. No, seriously. I do. I must admit, however, that my love for her lessened somewhat today after the news that she fainted after her performance on Dancing With The Stars. My diminishing love for her had nothing to do with the fact that she fainted or that she was on Dancing With The Stars. It did, however, have everything to do with the fact that she has 8 kids. That coochie has got to be worn to a frazzle after that.

You know, if this had been a man complaining, I might believe it. Since it is a woman, I seriously doubt the validity of the story. I mean come on David Copperfield making sexual advances to a woman? No fucking way.

Utah hates it when non-Mormons move to their state. If the average Utahan had his or her way, they would still be living in caves with multiple wives. There’s a story on KSL today about the California wild fires. Just take a look at the comments from the native Utahans. In no particular order, they hate and blame Californians and Mexicans for everything and rarely show any sympathy. Backward ass Mormon pricks.

I always knew there was something wrong with Harry Potter fans. I’m a big fan of vaginas, but you don’t see me getting my head stuck in one do you?

I hate it when I go to a news website like MSNBC, Fox, or CNN and instead of a written story, they offer up a video. If I wanted to watch a story, I would watch TV. What the fuck is wrong with these people anyway? Wait, no need to answer that. I think I know.

I would rather have full blown gay sex with Larry Craig than go to a dentist, but this morning I broke a crown. Now I have no choice but to go and let a full grown man put his hands in my mouth. (Apparently Senator Craig, or someone who likes him a lot, has people trolling the internets to find out who is saying bad things about him because this is the 4th picture I linked to. The other 3 were coming up as “Photo Not Available” when I clicked on them. You can’t hide from your gayness Larry.)

I can’t help but wonder what kind of chance this baby has in the world.

What kind of fags come up with this shit. Haven’t they been watching the news? Don’t they know we are incapable of finishing the job? Speaking of finishing the job, did you know that in one bombing raid on the city of Hamburg, Germany, the allies killed 40,000 people? It was reported that Hitler actually considered giving up his war effort because he didn’t know we were capable of that kind of brutality. Imagine how that would go over today.

Why do some people want to “hold on” to terminal relationships? I know two women that are in really bad, one-sided, utterly hopeless relationships, and they fight so freaking hard to stay in them. They turn their back on family, friends, kids, and everyone else just so they can keep getting that boot in the face. I simply don’t understand it.

A lot of scientists believe that time travel would be less difficult than long distance space travel. I believe that UFO’s are really us coming back from the future. Have you noticed how UFO “pictures” have changed over the years. The earliest photos of UFO’s looked like this. Now they look like this.

Is Ann Coulter an alien? Look at her hand.

Or is she a tranny?

She’s probably just a flaming twat. Or maybe she hangs out with one.

On Sunday it was almost 80 degrees here. Yesterday it was in the mid-70’s. Today, it is maybe in the mid-50’s. Where’s global warming when you need it?

I want to have Norah Odonnell’s children.

What is the deal with all these porn sites offering pictures and videos of women peeing? What is the fascination with that? Maybe it is just another sign that I have lived too long.

Man, some days I simply cannot string together two coherent thoughts. This is what you get on those days.

Actual Conversation:

Wife: When was the last time you took a shower?
Me: I don’t know. I can’t remember.
Wife: You are regressing.
Me: How can I regress if I have never gressed?
Wife: Go take a shower you old coot.

I was standing out on my deck last night thinking about dying and all that is associated with it. I am largely uncertain about the idea of an afterlife. It just doesn’t all add up. I am, however, intrigued by the notion that energy cannot be destroyed and since it is largely some form of energy that powers our bodies, it does make me wonder where that energy goes after we die.

Of course, I don’t think about dying all that often; pretty much only every time I light up a cigarette. Anyway, while I was standing out on my deck smoking a cigarette and thinking about dying, I decided that when I die, I am going to come back as a ghost and hang out in my back yard. I won’t be there in any sort of malevolent haunting kind of way, mind you; I’ll only be there in a no place I’d rather be kind of way.

Of course winter will like be a problem for me in my ghostly state. I mean, to my knowledge, they don’t make winter coats for ghosts, so I’ll have to go somewhere else for the winter. Maybe I’ll float on down to the Florida Keys and do a little fishing and hang out with all the ghosts of sailors and pirates that haunt the Keys. I wonder if ghosts get to drink and smoke? Probably not. That would be too much like being alive and if those things were allowed, why even bother dying.

Did you ever wonder how you got into blogging? The other day I was trying to construct a time line in my mind about how I got into blogging and I just couldn’t pull the whole thing together. I know I started my original blog (Gin & Tonic¹) a few months before hurricane Katrina and I know I was living and working in Columbus, Ohio at the time. Unfortunately, a lot of that time period is shrouded in a Gin fog. My first post on that old blog had something to do with my Dad’s death (January 2004) and I didn’t post very often. Bekah was the first person to comment on my blog and once I started getting comments, I started posting more often. Does that make me a comment whore? Eh, I’ve been called worse.

Why did you get into blogging? Do you even remember?

¹ I had to kill that blog because someone from my old job went to my blog and I was afraid I would wind up being Dooced. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t killed it. When I did pull the plug on it, I thought I had saved all the posts elsewhere on my computer, but only a few were saved. It felt like I had lost a friend or something. Most of the people that comment here, came from that old blog, but a few never made the “switch.” I actually had a “real life friend” who used to read my old blog tell me that she liked G&T, but doesn’t like this one at all. Weird, huh?

Update: Macaque is at it again. Obviously, one should not mess with macaque.

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from someone named Apu. Well, obviously Apu wasn’t his real name, but sometimes my racist tendencies take over and I resort to a sort of cartoonish view of the world and unfortunately, you get an occasional glimpse of that view.

Sorry for the digression. Anyway, Apu wanted me to come to work for him and his company. I told Apu that I wasn’t interested because I have a job that requires nothing of me and they are paying me a nice salary for doing absolutely nothing. Apu came back and asked how much money it would take to get me to come to work for him and his company in India. I told him that if I did go to work for him, I would never work in the business again so it would have to be enough for me to retire.

After we got done talking, I assumed that I would never hear from him again. I actually hoped I would never hear from him again. After all, the figure that I threw out to him was pretty outrageous. Now Apu wants to meet with me in Utah. He is going to be out there at the end of the month and wants me to fly out to meet with him. I tried to explain to him that Utah causes me great intestinal distress but I don’t think he understood.

Apu: We want meet you in Utah.

Me: That place gives me the shits.

Apu: Yes, so you come den to Utah.

Me: No.

Did you know that you can actually subject a flawed natural diamond to intense heat and pressure and make it flawless? Amazing.

When I started this blog, I made a conscious decision never to say anything about my family that would be too embarrassing for them. I assumed that reading most of the crap I put on here would be embarrassing enough for them without ever having to actually throw any of them under the proverbial bus.

I’m going to break my rule for one story about Jackie when she was little. (Note to Jackie: No, it’s not THAT story, so don’t worry).

As I have mentioned on here before, I was never one to censor what my kids watched on TV. Don’t get me wrong, I never let them watch any hard core porn or anything like that, but I was never really overly-worried about the language that they heard on TV or videos because it was usually not as bad as some of the things that I have been known to say.

When Jackie was about 6 or 7 years old, she loved the movie Beetlejuice. Now, to be fair, she still loves that movie and will probably watch it any time she can find it on TV. We had a video of the movie and she had watched it about 100 times. She could almost recite the entire movie line for line.

Have I ever mentioned that my wife comes from a fairly religious family? Well she does. Her family is very Catholic and two of her Uncles are priests. My wife’s mother (Saint Irene) had two friends that were nuns. You know, like penguins in bondage nuns. Anyway, one Sunday afternoon, the two nuns happened to be in the area so they stopped by our house. I was a little embarrassed that the neighbors might have seen the Jesus Penguins come to my house, but hey, I’m a liberal kind of guy and I’m not going to turn away Jesus Penguins just because they dress funny.

So there we all sat—one big happy family. My wife was in the dining room entertaining the Jesus Penguins with grape juice and Styrofoam, while Jackie and I sat in the living room watching Beetlejuice for about the 3^rd time that day.

Now in retrospect, I admit that I probably should have turned off the movie while the Jesus Penguins were there, but I was kind of interested in it so I just let it go. Besides, if I had turned the movie off, I wouldn’t have this wonderful story to tell you.

About half way into the movie, there is a scene that is really hard to describe if you haven’t seen the movie. At the end of this very funny scene, Beetlejuice grabs his crotch and yells, “Nice fucking model.”

Now that line, in the context it was used in, was funny enough as it was, but if you could have seen little Jackie jump to her feet at that precise moment, take her thumb out of her mouth, grab her crotch, and say “Nice fucking model” in perfect harmony with Michael Keaton as loud as her little voice would let her, you too might have seen the humor in the whole situation.

Unfortunately, my wife and the Jesus Penguins just did not get it. My poor wife slid down in her chair and actually tried to physically become one with the chair. The Penguins sacrificed goats, burned incense, and made the sign of the cross numerous times before they left our humble little abode for good.

To this day, the nuns have never been back to my house. And to think, I owe it all to Jackie!