Detroit, Detroit August 31, 2008
Posted by mike in government, tribute.27 comments
Got a hell of a hockey team.
Got a left handed way of
making a man sign up on that
old automotive dream.
I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the city of Detroit. Mostly it’s like some third world country to me; all dangerous and lacking any of the charm or character you might find in cities like Seattle, Boston, or New York. These days Detroit is just another down-on-its-luck mid-western town that has seen better days.
As a matter of fact, if it wasn’t for Detroit’s mayor, I suspect that Detroit would simply collapse on itself like the house of cards that GM built. Instead, Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Detroit’s hip-hop mayor is going to make this once proud industrial city the butt of any number of jokes on its way to its cold, rusted steel and broken brick graveyard.
For those of you not familiar with Kwame, please take a moment to glance over this Wiki article on one of Detroit’s finest.
Kwame came to Detroit all full of promises and enthusiasm. Exactly what a dying city needs. One last chance to do things over and maybe, just maybe, get it right this time. Almost from the beginning, it was obvious that it wasn’t meant to be. There were hints and allegations, fingers pointing, and ultimately the smell of corruption filled the air like the smoke from a thousand crack pipes. Here’s another Wiki article covering the “basics.”
Allow me to briefly summarize. Mayor carries on scandalous affair with chief of staff Christine Beatty. Mayor uses text messages to communicate with his lover. Mayor gets busted. Mayor lies under oath. Text messages get printed in newspapers and ultimately in the courtroom. Beatty resigns. State of Michigan governor calls for Kilpatrik’s resignation. Mayor plays an entire fucking deck of race cards despite the fact that he has been caught lying, cheating and stealing red-handed. Mayor (who was once a super-delegate) gets an electronic tether and dis-invited from the Democratic National Convention.
So here we are. The once proud city of Detroit is fighting for its very existence, while the mayor spends his time and considerable city resources in an effort to defend his lying, cheating, stealing, Christine Beatty porking fat ass. He doesn’t have the decency to resign and go bury his head in the sand in order to prevent the city from any additional embarrassment so it can die in peace. Perhaps the hurricane could be redirected a little farther north? Probably not.
I wish that I could wrap this up in some neat little package and turn it into a story with a happy ending, but I can’t. I guess I’ll just have to do the next best thing….
I think Paul Simon said it best. This was before he lost his hair and started looking like John McCain.Or maybe John McCain looks like him. I don’t know. Somebody looks like somebody. You vote, I’ll decide.
The Trouble With Al (Updated) August 28, 2008
Posted by mike in Al Sharpton Sucks.36 comments
The problem, as I see it, is that we are plagued by Als. They are everywhere. Some Als suck. Others really suck. Here are some Als you need to watch out for.
Al Jazeera
Al Bundy
Al Qaeda
Al Assbag
Al Lose This Election For You
Please know and understand your Als. Your life, and the future of this country, depends on it.
And now for this week’s gratuitous beaver shot.
Poor Beaver.
Update:
Wow. Sarah PALin for VP. Never saw that coming. Wonder if she is going to show us her knockers? I’ll vote for her if she does.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, I had my check-up today and everything is okay. Freaking blood pressure is creeping back up on me again though. That’s a bit worrisome, but no new cancer or return of the old. Next appointment is in 6 months. It was supposed to be in 3 months, but he put it out to six. I have to have one more little check in two weeks. I get to have tube shoved up my peter. I can’t wait.
My advice: die young before you get too much invested in life.
To Tell The Truth August 27, 2008
Posted by mike in wtf.39 comments
Remember the old TV show To Tell The Truth? Of course you don’t. You are not older than dirt. I am.
Anyway, the other day when I was watching Mark Warner speak during the Democratic National Convention, I was reminded of the old TV show To Tell The Truth. I was also reminded of the TV show Mr. Ed, and since Mr. Ed is a lot funnier than the DNC, To Tell The Truth, or Mark Warner, I think that is the more important thing to remember.
Oh fuck that. Mr. Ed’s not important either.
Here’s what’s important:
Will the real Mr. Ed, please stand up?
Mr. Ed Number 1. Governor Mark “Choppers” Warner.
Mr. Ed number 2. The “lovely” Chelsea “choppers” Clinton.¹
Mr. Ed number 3. The lovely and oh so mediocre Hilary “choppers” Skank Swank.²
Mr. Ed number 4. The one, the only, John “choppers” McCain
Mr. Ed himself.
Hint: Whatever you do, don’t pick the actual Mr. Ed as Mr. Ed. There are two reasons for this.
Number 1: This is America and we don’t recognize reality as being real. We think fake tv shows about reality are real. We are dumb and we are dangerous.
Number 2: It would make this little game not the least bit funny. See, let me explain. If you actually pick Mr. Ed as Mr. Ed, what would be funny about that? Everyone knows Mr. Ed is Mr. Ed and there is nothing funny about Mr. Ed unless you think that a talking horse that is smarter than his owners is funny. Of course, there is no such thing as a talking horse.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
and no one can talk to a horse of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
Note: By law Mitt Romney is not allowed to play this game because the game is called To Tell The Truth and not Lie Like A Mormon. If the game was actually called Lie Like A Mormon, Mitt would be the emcee.
Thank you and good night.
¹ Picture not modified. I swear.
² Holy shit. Look at those knockers. Are they real?
If It’s Monday (Or Tuesday), It Must Be Random Rambling Time August 26, 2008
Posted by mike in randomness.35 comments
Yesterday morning (Sunday) we took our last remaining child living at home to college. It was tough to see him go and my wife and I have been spending all of our time since then asking ourselves what the fuck do we do with ourselves now.
When we were at Eastern Michigan University yesterday I was thinking about how times have changed. When I went to college I had a suitcase full of mostly clothes, a couple of Bob Dylan albums, and a bag of dope. That was pretty much all a college student needed way back in 1972. My son went off to college with clothes, a cell phone, a laptop computer, a 20 inch TV, an iPod, a refrigerator and a microwave. What the fuck? Where’s his bag of dope?
What do you think about the whole Biden for VP thing? Personally I like the man, gaffes and all. As a matter of fact, I don’t really think a lot of what Biden says are necessarily “gaffes.” Sometimes I think he just speaks his mind and since Americans don’t really like it when someone speaks his or her mind, (because it is usually not politically correct), we have to say that so and so is gaffe-prone.
I admit it. I am gaffe-prone.
Remember this little prick? We took Black Kitty of Death to the vet last week and it turns out that, according to the vet, he is of Russian descent because his actual name is Dusty Nutzcutov. Who made up that myth that cats settle down when they get de-nutted? Completely untrue. If anything, the little prick is more of a terror now than ever before.
On Friday I have to go in for my 4 month check-up and for maybe a million reasons, I am way more nervous about this than I was before I found out my kidney was all fucked up and had to be taken out. Maybe it is because I am fully aware of the consequences this time and I wasn’t the last time. I told a friend of mine that I might stop off at the bar and have “a beer” to celebrate if everything turns out good. If things don’t turn out well, I’m going to stop off and have a 5th of Gin and a pack of Marlboro Lights.
It’s been so dry here for the last month or so that the grass actually “crunches” when you walk on it. Unfortunately for me that means no mowing with my lawnmower with tits.
A word or two about Word Press:
First of all, I am learning to love it. There are advantages and I think that whether I am willing to admit or not, I am always up for the challenge of a new learning curve. One of the many things I like about WP is that I get a daily report of the search phrases that brought people to this blog. I absolutely adore that feature. At the same time, I am absolutely appalled and some of the sick reasons some people come here. Naturally, I hope they weren’t disappointed. Some of the top phrases were as follows (some of these may not be safe for work):
- big asses
- erin burnett nude
- mimi rogers tits
- funny george bush
- nude older women
- olympic vagina
- dog ass fuck
- retard
- naked news knockers
- bigfoot penis
- nude ginger rogers
- camel toe
But now I have a serious WP question. How in the name of God do I turn off comment moderation? I had it turned off for a while and then yesterday I went in to change it so that comments are turned on for every post and when I did that, now I am back to having to moderate comments again. I don’t want to moderate comments. That slows shit down and kind of inhibits talking amongst yourselves, which I really do like. So if anyone out there has any hints about how to shut off comment moderation once and for all, please let me know because I hate moderating comments.
That’s all for now.
Why Mormons Piss Me Off August 24, 2008
Posted by mike in religion.45 comments
Every so often just for pure shits and giggles I go to my favorite Utah website to get a dose of pseudo Jesus inspired daffy-ness. Did I say pseudo? I meant full blown Jesus inspired daffy-ness. I am almost always amazed (but never surprised) at how out of touch with reality these goofballs (Mormons) are.
The other day though, I think I found exactly what it was that pisses me off the most about Mormons. Of course I have no way of knowing if the people that pissed me off with regards to this story are Mormons or not, but if they aren’t, then I have nothing to write about so for the sake of this post, we are going to make them Mormons. Okay? Okay.
A story appeared on KSL on August 21st and it was about a hit-and-run driver. If you want to read the actual story, go here. If you trust me, which you certainly shouldn’t, then let me summarize for you.
A young man and his PREGNANT girlfriend were hit by a driver who may or may not have been impaired at the time. Both were hospitalized. The gist of the story seems to imply that police were a little pissed off that they couldn’t put the offending driver in jail for some reason that had something to do with those pesky laws that let those old non-Mormons criminals get away.
KSL opens up all of their stories to public comment and that is usually where I get pissed off because these people (Mormons) are nuts and the response to this story was certainly no exception. Normally when someone (a Mormon) is injured or hurt, Utahans (Mormons) come out in record numbers offering prayers and platitudes to some plastic Baby Jesus worshiping at the feet of Joseph Smith. Apparently though, if you are not married and your girlfriend gets knocked up (not Mormon), then I am sorry, but you don’t get prayers and platitudes from the Baby Jesus at Joseph Smith’s feet. You get scorned and judged because you are knocked up and not married. Nobody gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut that your non-Mormon ass got hit by a car and you and your unborn baby might be seriously hurt because you are a rotten old sinner and not worth Mormon prayers and platitudes. If you have the time, go there and read the comments. It’s a great lesson in how not to be a Christian from people who so desperately want you to think they are the epitome of Christiness Christiandumb Christian Brothers Christiosity Christianity and don’t actually drink their own pee.
Which they do.
I read that in the bible. It says (and I quote):
“….and the Mormons shall drinketh their own peeth and spout fortheth nonsenseeth that no one should listeneth to.”
–Coitus Interruptus 15:69eth
In addition to the fact that the young woman was knocked up, the judgmental son of a bitches readers also took exception to the fact that the picture of the two young people showed them kissing. Apparently kissing leads to free thinking in the Mormon world and God knows we can’t have free thinking in the Mormon world, now can we?
Obvious non-Mormons at play.
More Things I Found While Looking For Something Else August 20, 2008
Posted by mike in Memory Lane With Ax & Crowbar.35 comments
The other day I was poking around the vast internets looking for the daily cost of the war in Iraq (I needed to depress myself) and I found this little gem:
And while I was thinking about the war in Iraq, I was trying to find some justification for the whole thing. You know, like maybe in the cosmic scheme of things some good can come from all of this and then I found this and realized that the war is over and the terrorists have won.
And then I was looking up some information about cancer and cancer survivors and I came across this story about Christina Applegate that broke my heart and filled my heart at the same time and it dawned on me that I will love Christina Applegate all the more for her courage and her determination.
After all, what’s not to love?
And then I was looking for some information on that little small almost non-existent southern West Virginia town I used to live in and I came across some pictures of that little town on Flickr. More importantly, I came across pictures of the “neighborhood” I used to live in. I am not sure what the proper etiquette is as far as Flickr is concerned. I wanted to contact the person that took the picture and ask her for permission to use the picture, but I couldn’t find any contact information.
Anyway, I wrestled with it for all of about 5 minutes and came to this conclusion:
As the saying goes, you can click to “enbiggen.”
Of course finding that picture brought back a whole long list of memories and made me wonder what happened to some of the people I used to know back there and where they are now. Even more than that, it made me realize that I had some things to say to some people.
Judy Kirby–I couldn’t even remember your first name until recently and in all honesty I had forgotten all about you until I saw this picture. The old run down company houses in the center of that picture reminded me of Eastern Gas and Fuel and that reminded me of your dad, and thinking about your dad reminded me of you and I just wanted to know that your looks shaped my definition of beauty. I now know why women that look a certain way trip my trigger. Thank you.
Nancy Navy and Kathy Hines–I am sorry.
Johnny Cabbel–In so many ways you shaped the way I feel about black people even today. I try hard to get over the things I saw you do to other people, but every time I read a story about a crime committed by a black man I think of you and my blood boils. I won’t apologize for what “happened” to you. You had it coming you little prick.
Lisa Enders–You are responsible for my attraction to black women. Thank you. I have no idea what you are doing with your life, but I am sure it is something big.
JT Hudson–Dude, you were a fucking psycho. Give back the gun you stole from my parents.
Old Jim–You were the kindest soul I ever knew.
Brenda–Thank you.
Fred Robertson–I realize now that you were just doing your job, but you have to look at it from the perspective of an 11 year old boy. The “stystem” sucked. Yes, I did feel a certain amount of “redemption” 10 years later when I saw you sweeping the floor in the bank where my aunt Margaret worked. Some people’s dads don’t work for the right company, Fred, and some people just suck at life.
Kathy Maderia–*sigh*
Karen and Patty–You guys were hot, but not that hot. I hope you are over yourselves by now. Well, I guess Patty is technically over herself after committing suicide and all, but yeah, you know what I mean.
Old Man Farmer–Did they bury you with that gold tooth in your mouth? That was the biggest fucking thing I have ever seen.
To The Whole Town–I know that testing water quality wasn’t such a big deal back in the 60’s, but I wish I had known then that we weren’t supposed to drink the water.
Mary, Clara, and Debbie Jones–I honestly didn’t know what was going on. May I please have a do-over?
And that concludes tonight’s trip down memory lane.
In other news, my bedroom is painted a weird color. I have looked high and low for a similar color, but haven not been able to find anything similar. The other day I was looking around on the internet for paint samples and I found my bedroom wall color. Check it out.
Isn’t that amazing? I never thought I’d see anyone else with the same color on their bedroom walls.
I Have Met My Match August 18, 2008
Posted by mike in boners: old and new.34 comments
When it comes to doing things around the house, I have pretty much done it all. If I were to list all of my “accomplishments” when it comes to home repair and improvement projects, it would look something like this:
- Rough Framing
- Trim and Molding
- Electrical
- Drywall (hanging, mudding, and taping)
- Siding
- Cement Work
- Plumbing
- Ceramic Tile Installation
- Fine Carpentry
- Installing Sliding Glass Doors
- Hanging interior doors
You get the picture. I’ve pretty much done it all. I’m not really saying that I am proficient at it all, but I have certainly done it all.
A few months ago, I posted a picture of the back of my garage after a tree had fallen and nearly taken it out. As you can tell, the exterior of the garage was in pretty bad shape. On the day that that picture was taken, I was in the very early stages of putting up new siding.
I tore out all of the old crappy windows, doors, and other extraneous what-nots and proceeded to install new siding. Of course that was a bitch because the garage, like the house, was built before levels and squares became popular tools. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit that I found as we were doing the demo work on the garage.
So what was it that kicked my ass doing the garage project. Two words. Soffit and Fascia. I will never as long as I live ever attempt to do anything so mind-numbingly tedious. Even in the best of situations, putting up soffit and fascia is an absolute bitch, but when you try to do it when nothing is level or square, it is an absolute bitch. There were several times out there during the project when I had to create a level and square reference point somewhere on the garage and attempt to work from that reference point. Not an easy task by any measure.
We are not completely done, so there is still the chance that one of us will fall of the ladder or that I will take a shotgun to the garage. Don’t laugh. I have given it serious consideration. The only thing that stopped me was this story bouncing around in what is left of my mind. Do you see the look on that man’s face? My wife can attest to the fact that she has seen that same look on my face many times recently.
This is a good picture to compare to that first link up there. It’s from about the same angle. There’s not much to see here except the back wall. For anyone keeping track of such things, the back of the garage is a little over 8 feet tall and 48 feet long.
This picture gives you some idea of how the soffit and facia turned out. I still have to put up the trim board and paint and install a couple of doors and windows, but you can get the idea of how tedious the soffit material is. Basically I had to measure every foot of so, check the level, screw the track in and then put in the 1 foot wide piece of soffit material.
This is just another view of the soffit material on the front side. I like this side much better. I also have the trim partially installed here.
This is the north side of the garage where the soffit installation process is still in full swing. It’s not going well over here on this side because the little faggot that put the roof on my garage and cut back the overhang (there used to be a two foot overhang on this garage) fucked up seriously. On the south side of the garage, the overhang is one foot. On the north side (here where I am working), the overhang is about 15 inches. I guess young Mr. Ries (our roofing faggot) was busier thinking about smoking someone’s pole than he was about getting my roof done right, because it is now very lopsided.
Here is a view of the front of the garage. That center post that you see there between the two garage door openings had to be completely cut out and replaced. When I started poking around behind the old siding I noticed that the sill plate was completely rotted away and the entire thing was collapsing. I had to have a little help doing that job. A friend of mine came over and we jacked the building up there using two 20 ton jacks, cut away all of the “offending members” and then replaced them with new treated lumber. Interestingly enough, that post is now level and completely square, unlike the rest of the garage.
I hope to have the whole thing finished here within the next few weeks. I have a lot of trim left to put up, a couple of steel doors to put up (one in the front and one on the side), caulking and then painting. Hopefully it will all turn out well and who knows, I might even live through it.
Oh, and guess who gets his nuts cut off on Thursday?
That’s right. It’s Dusty the Dust-Mite. If ever there was a cat that needed to have his nuts cut off with extreme prejudice, it is Dusty May. He is mean and evil and evil-mean. He attacks for no reason. Right in the middle of a pet and purr session, he will latch onto my hand with his front claws, bite with his teeth and scratch the hell out of me with his back claws.
Oh yeah, the little fucker is getting de-clawed too.
I swear that the following picture was not altered. Much.
We call him “The Black Death,” and naturally, that has lead to another nickname. “Boo-bonic.”
My Sweet Love August 16, 2008
Posted by mike in tribute.28 comments
Have you guys been reading about this crap? I’m sure you have been. As many of you know, I am an amateur Bigfoot hunter. Been on the trail of that bitch for years now. As such, you can just imagine my shock when I read about those two posers who claimed to have the body of a Bigfoot in their freezer. What a bunch of bullshit.
Ask anyone that knows me in real life and they will tell you I have had Bigfoot in my freezer since sometime back in the 80’s. Perhaps you remember the movie?
Accept no substitutes.
I wasted spent at least 15 minutes of my life this morning watching two Asian women play badminton. Naturally, and pardon my stereotype here, there were no tits to look at and no camel toe, so why was I looking at two Asian women playing badminton? Well, it was simple. I couldn’t find the remote and I simply could not fucking believe that badminton is an Olympic sport.
Dear Olympic Committee Fuckwads People,
Why do you have badminton as an Olympic sport? What the fuck is wrong with you. Why don’t you just go ahead and make tiddly-winks and Jarts an Olympic event you doddering old fucktards?
Anyway, that’s enough of this crap. I need to find the remote control because it is time for Wheel Of Fortune.
Watching Paint Dry August 14, 2008
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.26 comments
First of all, I would like to say that I don’t recommend watching the Olympics because watching the Olympics amounts to supporting China and supporting China means that we are saying that it is perfectly fine to throw human rights out the window. Of course, who are we to talk. Let’s just think about our whole “human rights” policy since 9/11.
Anyway, I am not here to talk about human rights. I am here to talk about some of the “Olympic” things I have seen. Before you proceed with this, another incredibly boring post, I must warn you now that if you are gay like baseball, you should turn away now. As a matter of fact, if you like watching baseball, I have a place you can go.
Anyway, I was watching baseball on the Olympics yesterday and the whole time it was on (at least 27 hours of yesterday’s coverage was devoted to baseball) I kept wondering why the fuck this was an Olympic event. Jesus Christ. If the Dr ever gives me an hour to live, I am going to turn on a baseball game because that hour will seem like a fucking eternity. I honestly think that watching paint dry would be a much more entertaining event.
Have you been reading about the controversy surrounding the female Chinese gymnasts? Apparently some people don’t believe that these young ladies are old enough. You need to remember that Chinese people age differently than other people. It’s a proven fact. Apparently though, too much attention is being paid to the women gymnasts because I honestly think those Chinese swimmers are no where near old enough.
Of course for all of my bitching about all matters Olympic, there are some things I like.
Olympic Butt Watching
Olympic Butt Grabbing
The Olympic Butterfly
Hot Asian Olympic Cheerleaders
Hot Amanda Beard Olympic Swimming Chick
Olympic Camel Toe
Olympic Sex Change Operations
Olympic Beach Vagina Grab
Of course none of this could possibly top the excitement of watching Olympic baseball. I mean seriously, how are you going to top watching paint dry?
4 Months & Counting August 13, 2008
Posted by mike in gin/health/sanity.27 comments
Yesterday was the beginning of what amounts to roughly 2 weeks of medical torture for me. My first appointment was with my general doctor. Things appear to be going nicely. My blood pressure is somewhere around 124/86. I don’t think it has been that low since 3rd grade. That top number was over 200 for a long time. My heart rate was right around 68 beats per minute. When I first went to the doctor last March, my heart rate was consistently over 100 beats per minute, so I think things are going in the right direction. Unless it goes to zero of course. That wouldn’t be good.
We had a long discussion about prostate issues because at my age, that is something that needs to discussed. Bottom line is that I am not going to let him put his finger in my butt. He’s just not my type. He’s cute and all, but there’s just no chemistry there.
Butt seriously folks, we had a fairly candid talk about prostate cancer and I found out some things about it that I never new. Bottom line is, if your doctor recommends PSA testing, have a serious discussion with him before you proceed. If your PSA is elevated (and it probably will be once you reach a certain age), the whole process will turn into what might be a never ending nightmare.
He also decided that he needed to test my cholesterol and glucose levels. He asked me when the last time I ate was and I told him that I had eaten early in the morning. Since it was after 2, he decided that it would be okay to give me those tests. As he was filling out the paper work he asked me what I had had for breakfast that morning. I told him I had had two chocolate donuts and some barbecued potato chips (because that is exactly what I had had). He stopped writing, put his pen down and looked at me and said, “You’re my hero.”
We also had a great discussion about alcohol. I told him I miss the fuck out of it and don’t know if I am going to be able to abstain forever. He told me that the whole reason they are telling me not to drink is because I have “addiction” issues and it has nothing to do with my health.
That made me feel instantly better. It also makes me think that at some point I may be able to have a few beers. I say beer because I hate beer and there is no chance I will get addicted to it. Of course I could also be bullshitting myself.
I’m going to wait a little longer before I fiddle around with beer.
I have my big appointments at the U of M at the end of the month. All sorts of MRI’s, blood work, bottle pissing, poking, prodding, questioning, and then poking some more. Let’s just hope that all works out. I hate to think about it any other way.
In the meantime though, the company that is trying to hire me wants me to get a pre-employment physical and take a drug test. I wonder if the drug test will be multiple choice or essay. I always did better on essay test than multiple choice tests.
Of course the above pictures are nursing or medical “myths.” Even at the finest hospitals in the world, such things don’t exist.
REALITY
Holy crap, I think these are the nurses I had the first night after my surgery. Nurse fucking Ratchet and her evil minions.
