Maybe I Have Something To Post About May 28, 2009
Posted by mike in Uncategorized.trackback
You know, life’s been hard lately. I mean here I am after 54 years of treating my body like a tent trying my dead level best to do all the right things and my life is so fucking boring I could just die.
Let’s recap, shall we?
- I wake up in the mornings without hangovers.
- I rarely piss on myself or someone else anymore.
- I regularly wear my underwear on the inside of my pants.
- I try my best to be a good corporate citizens and regularly use the latest buzz words.
- I haven’t called one single co-worker a cocksucker yet.
In other words, my life is boring as fuck.
Excuse me one second, be right back.
Okay. Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now. I’m boring as fuck.
I go to bed around 9. I’m up at 5:30. I say things like “time to make the donuts.” God, the end must be mercifully near.
And that brings me to last night’s vision. It wasn’t a dream. It was a vision. Let me start by telling you that I am not Catholic so the concept of the Virgin Mary means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. My wife’s Catholic, but she got over it. I’m pretty sure Carmen’s Catholic because I saw a picture of some of her relatives.
At 1:14 in the morning, I woke up and looked over at the clock on the table beside my bed and there, much to my surprise, was the Virgin Mary sitting on my table. She was about the size of a bottle of nasal spray and glowing.
I shit you not.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Thought about what I saw and then opened my eyes again. She was still there. Just kind of sitting there. Not doing anything. Not saying anything. Just sitting there.
I decided that I should take this opportunity to go take a piss because at my age, not taking a piss when you need to could have disasterous results. I pissed, came back to bed and the Virgin Mary was gone. I was hoping we could have a little talk and maybe I could have one of those sell my soul moments or something because I was in the mood to bargain something for a bottle of Gin.
Me: I’ll give you a leg for 5 more years of Gin drinking.
VM: I’ll think about it.
Me: How about a leg and some fingers for a few more years of Gin drinking and a few more years of cigarette smoking?
VM: We’ll see.
If she would have talked to me, she would have actually talked just like that with the words coming out all bold and shit.
Anyway, on a whole different note, I have a new laptop and it didn’t come pre-loaded with porn, so I have to start all over again. My old laptop was 4 years old and had just become impossible. I don’t have spell check on this one yet, so forgive my awful spelling. My new computer is blue, so that should count for something.
Perhaps someone should pray for me.
Why is that nun kneeling next to a urinal? Huh? Explain THAT one to me!
Well Cat, my old friend, best I can figure is she is praying I don’t pee on her.
In other words, my life is boring as fuck.
Mine too, and that is why I started blogging. I figure if I continue to make most of this shit up later in life when my mind starts to completely fail I’ll at least think I had one.
Well damn Mike you don’t make it really easy to think about living a sober life.
Seriously though, I can imagine how different things must be. Boring. And how do you find new ways to have it not be boring when you’ve lived another way for so long? Whatever. I’ve forgotten how. Just try not to crack up at work, fun as it may seem someday.
And hey, at least there’s still hot ass (and apparently nun tits) to enjoy. Silver lining and whatnot.
Miss you, you old fart.
Beach–I think I might be at that point. Some days I go back in my archives and read some of the shit I wrote and wonder what the hell I was talking about. The funny thing about getting old is that somehow yesterday is starting to feel like a year ago to me.
Melissa–The sober life is okay, considering my own personal alternatives. It’s just that it is simply not as much fun as the old life. I guess a person only gets so much fun in life and I’ve used all of mine up.
Course that doesn’t mean that I can’t wish for one night with a fifth of Gin, a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights, and a waitress with no morals.
Miss you too! Everytime I go to your blog I get hungry.
You had a visitation, call the pope!
Just wait for the Boy and I to get there!
Malach–Yes, yes.
Jackie–I guess something has to balance out my visitation from the “good” side of the fence. You two eviltons will certainly bring balance to my universe.
Holy Cow! A vision! I wanted to ask the same question as Cat, but you already had an answer for that. Do you think Nuns are somehow turned on by male urinals?
Or maybe that is an Aussie footballer…
I’ll share my hard drive so you can share in my porn collection.
As soon as it comes back from Human Resources, that is.
I swear I think they take it just to watch all the video.
Oh, Mr. Chili and I are SOOOOOO boring. I love it, though; it’s a GOOD boring.
Your throne at the end of the bar await’s you,the legend of the TANK is a gleam of hope in the eye of many new drinkers.Mead and Grog sales have surpassed GIN,the word doesn’t even roll off the tongue right anymore.
Your minion’s wait for your return to your throne.remember the Reverend Neil Youngs quote “It’s better to burn out than fade away”
Sounds like it is time to start feeding pigeons in the park Mike. Your vicarious life is officially over.
Meggie–A few short years ago, it would have been an hallucination. Now it’s a vision. Damn, ain’t life grand.
Moooooog–At least you’ve found a use for your HR department. In all my years of working, I’ve yet to find a use for them other than to yell at me for calling some hapless twatwad a cocksucker or some other mindless thing.
Mrs.C–Well, I am saving a lot of money.
Mongo–Ahhh, you know I love you brother and miss all of you folks more than you can imagine. Life just ain’t the same for me without my beloved Tap! Say hello to all the guys for me tell all the women to send me pictures of their boobs. I miss them so.
Tombo–Yeah, I must admit, I have been eyeing up them pigeons lately.
Recap on the recap…
* I wake up in the mornings without hangovers. – You say this as if it were a bad thing. Not waking up would totally suck. Actually, some mornings it does suck to wake up, depending on the day of week and who you wake up next to.
* I rarely piss on myself or someone else anymore. – As if not drinking alcohol could stop you from doing this if you so choose to do so. I often piss myself laughing. I am on a regular basis pissed AT someone wishing I could piss on them. With men, pissing on territory is a God given skill, you have the equipment for this.
* I regularly wear my underwear on the inside of my pants. – Again, no alcohol is needed to wear your underwear outside of your clothing. Or you could be like me and just forget the damn underwear all together. I cannot skip the bras however. Might even wanna try wearing it on your head and say nothing to anyone in the house. See what kind of reactions you get.
* I try my best to be a good corporate citizens and regularly use the latest buzz words. – Fuck buzz words. Old school 4 letter fuck you and die ass hole still works just fine. Again, no alcohol needed and you will most likely come up with more witty combination’s and pronounce them in a manner in which the intended recipient will understand and you will remember.
* I haven’t called one single co-worker a cocksucker yet. – Damn shame. Please read above.
Good work on the porn, you prolly needed it updated anyway. I mean Paris Hilton is sooooo 2004.
You think your life is boring as fuck if don’t drink because you never tried to be a fucking idiot without it. Now I can assure you that I DO NO DRINK and I am a complete fucking idiot and have a blast despite being surrounded by morons. For clarification: Idiots have fun, morons just piss you off.
Now didn’t you miss me while I was away for golf season?
Wow…a virgin hard drive and all that porn out there…
MI–Of course I missed you. I always miss you.
HT/GT–I know. Life’s been grand!
I will pray for you…. and those dogs… priceless!!
(is that what the catholics mean by ‘dogma’?) couldn’t resist!
Ah yes, I suspect our social gatherings would be vastly different without the champers and red wine!! (and the dwarfs and wet celery and flying helmets…or si that just another day in the office, I forget now…)
Anyway, am sure my hsband would agree with you – he was part of a threesome (hold on, there’s more) who won a whisky nosing competition out of about 700 other pissheads and he would REALLY be annoyed if he couldn’t drink whisky anymore.
Laptop – new and blue
Find some porn and cyber screw…
Patti–Thanks. I need all the prayers I can get.
Amanda–Now if you start “poemin” you are going to get Joey P. over here rhymin up a storm.
It’s okay if your life is boring. You still post the best pictures.
Well ok, so you miss me. But did I make any damn sense? I cannot remember if I did or not. And, if you miss me, come show me some love. Damnit.
Chickie–No. YOU still post the best pictures!
MI–You always make sense. I will be over to show you some love on the weekend. Busy nightmarish week here. I seriously want to start building bird houses for a living, but the crazier things get at work, the more they love me. I can’t figure it out.